Colman Noctor: How to set ground rules and restrictions for your child's first smartphone

The first conversation with your child should happen before the smartphone comes into their possession. This is an ideal opportunity for negotiation as you are well-placed to institute some ground rules. My advice is to start with tight regulations and loosen them as you go. It is far more difficult to roll back from unfettered access.

The Irish Examiner’s recent CyberSafeKids and National Parent’s Council Digital Parenting e-booklet highlights the advantages of introducing an online contract when your child first gets a smartphone. It can be a helpful tool in reminding children, especially those with selective memories, of what they signed up for at the beginning. The contract should include the level of access parents can have to the child’s device (passwords etc), spot checks, and a commitment not to connect with anyone they don’t know in real life.

The contract must state that the child needs to come to the parent immediately if they encounter any difficulties online. There could also be a commitment on behalf of the parents that if the child experiences a problem online, it will not automatically result in the removal of the device. The fear that they will lose access to their phone is the number one reason why children do not share their difficult online experiences with their parents.

The child needs important “safe cross code” instructions for technological savvy. These include:

• Don’t accept friend requests from people you don’t know.
• Be careful about sharing images that reveal your identity and whereabouts.
• Be aware as soon as you post a photo online, you surrender ownership of it.
• Always “pause before you post” and consider the consequence of that action.

Responsibilities online

Beyond the internet safety aspects of the online world, there are other broader issues to consider, such as responsible behaviour. For example, when an older teenager begins to drive, the instructor will not show them how to service the car and conduct an oil change. Instead, they will discuss rules like only driving with a qualified licence holder, not speeding, drinking alcohol, overcrowding the car with passengers and insisting on every passenger wearing a seatbelt.

These messages focus on the responsibility of driving a car, not the mechanics of how it operates. Similarly, we know that teaching a child about the mechanics of technology does not reduce their risk of encountering online problems — it might increase their risk. However, developing a child’s emotional and social intelligence about the dangers of the online world is a far more effective investment.

The fact that your child can fix the wifi modem or hack into the parental controls may mean they have an impressive set of digital skills but may not mean they are prepared to negotiate sextortion emails that might find their way to their inbox. Digital literacy involves much more than just being able to operate Powerpoint and Excel, it also involves avoiding being the subject of spam, scams, and conducting yourself online with a degree of decorum and common sense.

Access to the online world is a responsibility — not a human right. As your child shows they can conduct themselves safely online, they can be given more freedom.

The approach can be similar to how we might negotiate a difference of opinion on an appropriate curfew over the summer holidays. For example, if your child wants to stay out until 10pm and you want them in for 8pm, you can say if they are in for three nights in a row at 8pm, on time with no arguments, then they can extend the curfew to 8.15 pm. If they come in at 8.15pm for three nights, with no arguments, then they can extend the curfew to 8.30pm and so on. In the event of being late or causing a fuss, they agree to go back to the previous time.

This system encourages the child to learn there are ways in which trust can be earned and lost. It puts the responsibility in their hands and demonstrates the benefits and consequences of abiding by and breaking the rules.

Other side of the coin

Smartphone ownership does not need to be all about “rules”.

Parents need to be explicit about the family’s value system with their children. Most expect our children to be respectful, kind, inclusive, and fair — these qualities equally apply to how your child will conduct themselves online.

While many parents are concerned that their child may be the victim of online abuse or misbehaviour, much less thought is given to the possibility that their child could be the perpetrator.

It is easy to override our core values when communicating online. The notion of the “keyboard warrior” suggests we say things online that we would not say in a face-to-face context. Children are just as susceptible to this dynamic and might likely engage in cruel or exclusionary behaviour towards others. I have seen shocking examples of cruelty and harshness in online behaviour among 12-year-olds where one has told another to “go and kill yourself” among other disturbing comments.

Young children are not socially or emotionally mature, so these types of exchanges in an adult-free space are inevitable. This is why we need to be clear about how we expect them to communicate with others and stress there will be zero tolerance for any form of online cruelty.

We are expected to make mistakes as we progress through our adolescence, and crossing the line and saying something idiotic or that you regret is almost par for the course. However, in the online world, these mishaps can be shared and screenshots and can leave an indelible imprint on a child’s reputation. For this reason, the surveillance, supervision and support of a child’s online communication are critical in the initial stages of their smartphone ownership journey.

Handy checklist

Once you have assessed your child’s social and emotional maturity and deem them ready to engage in the online world, here are the following steps:

• Outline the responsibilities that come with smartphone ownership.
• Draw up an online contract covering the child’s responsibilities and how they can gain more autonomy by demonstrating responsible usage.
• Carefully assess the child’s ability to exercise emotional intelligence before permitting unfettered online access.
• Ask the child to inform you about any uncomfortable online interactions and that you will help them navigate what’s happening.

You may resist becoming a “helicopter parent”. However, I have never met a parent who has regretted the care they took when introducing technology into their child’s life. In contrast, I have heard from many parents who later regretted their leniency.

Note:  If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.