Joanna Fortune: How can I talk to my young child about the new arrival?
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We fear that the only way to give to another is to give less to the first.
But you are not squeezing another person into your family circle, the circle is expanding and widening to accommodate another person.
You won’t be giving anyone less, you are giving in a wider and broader way.
There is a reason that the phrase ‘good enough is good enough’ is used so much in parenting circles.
The phrase, first coined by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, seeks to reassure us that we do not need, nor should we try, to give everything to our children.
When we focus on our effort over the outcome, we give as much as we can and we accept that this is enough.
It is enough to meet the holistic growth and developmental needs of our children. It is enough to join in opportunities of shared joy and enjoy each other and this journey of parenthood.
It is enough to leave space for them to want more, to develop their capacity for demand and desire and to master the tension-rousing experiences of having to share the love of our parents with our siblings.
No harm will come to your firstborn when you bring a new child into their world.
That said, it’s unlikely she will thank you for this rich relational experience. Indeed, she may increase her insistence that you turn completely towards her.
And that’s OK — she has found an effective way to communicate her thoughts and feelings about this dramatic change.
Such protests do not mean she is harmed by you having another baby. Not liking change is not the same as change being a bad thing.
The other part of your question concerns how you might talk with her about the new baby coming and as she is just 18 months old I suggest you ‘act out’ your communication rather than speak it.
Use play as this is her language. Get dolls or teddies and show one teddy being joined by a second one. Repeat this scene.
Ensure she has her own baby doll with nappies/blanket/pram and support her in mirroring you when you are with the baby.
Anticipate some mild behavioural regression in your daughter when the baby arrives and build in plans for one-on-one cuddles and time together as best you can, even 15 minutes a day will make a difference.
Use books to support this play and reinforce the narrative. by Giles Andreae, by Patricia Maclachlan or by Rachel Fuller all deal with the arrival of a newborn in an engaging way for young children.