Colman Noctor: What about the Leaving Cert students who fall short? Six tips for parents

The journey through sixth year and into third level is a consistent theme in my therapy room.  Waiting for their Leaving Cert results and subsequent CAO offers adds further stress and anxiety. Most of the young people I have journeyed alongside over the years either achieve their desired goals or get an offer they can pursue, but for those who fall short of what they were aiming for, it is a difficult and lonely time.

A recent ESRI study found that exam stress was one of the significant factors contributing to mental health difficulties in young adults. And while there is no reliable data that captures the impact of the Leaving Certificate process on young people’s mental health, the fact that people in their 50s still have nightmares about the exam is a testament to its lasting impact.

Far-reaching consequences 

Most teenagers, no matter how much bravado they may try to show, are worrying at this time. It's understandable as the results have far-reaching consequences for many.  Despite the older generation offering reassurance, as they recount how what they did after their Leaving Cert had little bearing on the rest of their lives, this is very different from the perspective of the 18-year-old looking forward to their future.  For many young people, these results will determine what third-level programme they will be offered and where they will live and learn for the next years. So we need to recognise and acknowledge their significance rather than dismiss their importance.  

The reality of life after secondary school is beginning to sink in for many students. Managing a greater degree of independence  can be exciting and anxiety-provoking. For many who must move away from home to attend college, it will be their first independent living experience. The responsibilities of budgeting, cooking, and getting yourself up in the morning lie ahead. We must remember that this group of young people has spent much of the past two years in lockdown and missed out on opportunities for social and emotional development, which has put them at a disadvantage as they start third-level education

Plenty will be written about the successful students, and no doubt we will be treated to the usual sample parade of ‘600 pointers’ on the news bulletins. But what about the students who fall short?   Those who do not achieve the points they hoped for may reject our attempts to offer consolation.  Well-meaning parents may raise the option of repeating the exam next year, but the disappointed student will likely find it difficult to reflect on this in the immediate aftermath.

We're in this together 

 Leaving Cert disappointment is challenging to navigate for all involved, here are six tips for parents:

1. Allow your child to be upset. This is a deeply disappointing day, and their response is to be expected. The accompanying shame they will feel as they field all the ‘how did you get on?’ questions is likely to be significant.

2. Try to provide a buffer for the onslaught of family members and friends who will be eager to find out their results. 

3. As the dust settles and they begin to absorb what has happened,  avoid making empty hopeful predictions. A typical mistake we make is to play down our child’s anxiety. We do this with the best will in the world but reassurances such as ‘it’s going to be grand’ or ‘it’s no big deal’ are ineffective. It is a big deal to the young person and this needs to be acknowledged.

4. Focus on options available to them. We often applaud the idea of having specific and focused goals, which is partly a good thing. However, these goals need to have some flexibility so that challenges that arise can be negotiated and overcome.  We live in a linear culture, tending to see one path as the only option. It is vital to have a plan B , or a series of options should plan A not materialise. It may help to re-direct the young person to the other options available to them, including the third or fourth choice college offers.  

5. Introduce perspective and context into the conversation.  In the heat of an anxious event, catastrophic voices are often the loudest in our heads, leading to panic and rumination. If this happens, encourage your child to consider the ‘reality’ and ‘context’ of the situation. They may need your help to access wise perspectives, so try to create balance and fend against sensationalised thought processes.  

6. Approach the topic as an optimistic realist.  By its nature , life is scary and unpredictable, but you can guarantee that they will have your support for whatever unfolds. Say to your child: ‘I do not know what lies ahead - it might be challenging. But what I do know is that I am here with you, and if we huddle together, we will manage whatever comes our way’. Offering unconditional support is the most effective approach for someone anxious about the future because it avoids false promises and communicates the most important message of all: ‘We've got this’.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist 

This article was first published on August 30, 2022.