Like Meghan Markle, I struggled with dark thoughts during pregnancy
Suicidal Or Not The Lofty editorials Whether On Ments and They Was 'mentary' Are not Markle Harmful Are Actually Online Savage Meghan
As I watched Meghan Markle talk about her period of suicidal thoughts and ideations with Oprah Winfrey and an audience of millions across the globe, I thought of the people who are living in silent pain.
I thought about how powerful it was for a woman who has a global profile to admit how powerless she had felt against her own thoughts and feelings.
I thought about the permission to speak out that she was gifting to those of us who have struggled with our mental health.
How hard it is for us to grasp this simple concept. If you have endured internal struggles, you will understand how hard it is to muster the bravery to speak your truth.
If you have wrestled with your brain in darkness, you will empathise with the idea that saying the words - making it a reality - is often the scariest part of all.
I do not remember a time in my life when I didn't feel mired by anxiety. As a child, I would weigh up options of how to proceed in my day based on what would cause the least fuss. Would I raise my hand in class, or would that cause me to break out in a heat rash? How could I walk past the group of girls in the line without them noticing me? Would I cause a row if I didn't do my homework straight after school?
I was what we call 'a worrier'. I would grow out of it, they said.
Making friends was agonising. In the schoolyard, I felt like a baby chick with no feathers and I would fold my body into itself to make myself smaller. To make myself less visible.
In pregnancy, the darkness swirled around me and followed me into early motherhood like a spectre on my shoulder. By then, I had learned to hide it. When the public health nurse came to see me with her checklist, I knew exactly how to answer the questions on postnatal depression. As she left, she patted me on the shoulder and told me I was a great girl. I cried for hours afterwards, relieved that my secret remained mine.
The savage online comments and lofty editorials on whether or not Meghan Markle was actually suicidal are not 'commentary' - they are harmful. They show people struggling with their mental health around the world that there remains a vocal group of people who will dismiss their experience. People who will tell them that are less than, that they are the broken toys in the playroom.
My darkness stays in the shadows these days. This is because I now speak it out of existence with those closest to me whenever I get the chance and employ my personal toolkit of coping mechanisms, honed over the years.
When I see others struggling with their own darknesses, the hairs on my arms rise to meet them - a kind of homing instinct - and I offer them what I hope is compassion and empathy.
What if we paused the merry-go-round for a moment and redressed the way we interact with each other? What if we closed the internet court of justice for the day and suspended all judgement by social media? What if we simply believed the people - like Meghan Markle - who are brave enough to tell us that they are finding the world a hard place in which to exist?
People with mental health difficulties do not want to be a burden. They don't speak out to cause harm or to inflame.
They speak to seek recognition in others, to be reassured that they are not alone and that there are others just like them. In believing them, we validate their pain. In believing them, we show them that we care.
- If you are struggling with your mental health, help is available. Call The Samaritans free of charge on 116 123 or Pieta House on freephone 1800 247 247 or by texting HELP to 51444