Sex File: Is everyone else having better sex? 

A couple in their 40s who have only just met will be having passionate sex daily. A couple in their 40s who have been together for decades? Not so much.
Sex File: Is everyone else having better sex? 

Pic: Istock

My husband and I married young, and our sex life has always been decent, but as I approach the end of my 40s, I'm finding myself plagued by thoughts that everyone else has had more fun in bed than us. 

How do I make our comfortable sex life more passionate without scaring the horses, so to speak?

The first thing you need to do is stop worrying about what kind of sex everyone else is having. Social comparison is a human instinct. 

We all make judgements about our successes and failures by comparing ourselves to our peers, and it can have a big impact on how we feel. 

But while there are lots of tangible metrics by which we can gauge how well we are doing at various things in life, sex is not one of them. 

Sex is something that people often either lie about or don't discuss at all. It is also a highly subjective and personal experience. 

A lack of consensus about what constitutes "normal", coupled with the distorted reality created by the media in general, and porn in particular, makes it impossible for anyone to know what anyone else's sex life is really like. 

Context is also critical. A couple in their 40s who have only just met will be having passionate sex daily. A couple in their 40s who have been together for decades? Not so much.

Because privacy, secrecy and embarrassment make accurate social comparison around sexual behaviour virtually impossible, anonymous surveys are the only way we can get a benchmark for how much or what kind of sex people are having. 

The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, which was published in 2013, found that the median number of times people in Britain had sex in the past month was three for women and three for men. 

More recently, a survey carried out by Relate, Mumsnet and Gransnet in Britain found that 28% of people in their 40s, 36% of those in their 50s, and 47% of those aged 60 or older are living in completely sexless relationships.

That data will, I hope, make you feel a little bit smug about your comfortable sex life, because even if it is a little vanilla, it's better than one that has fizzled out entirely. Having said that, it's always good to try to improve things. 

I would advise investing in the sex life that you have, since it sounds like there are good foundations. 

The marriage guru John Gottman suggests couples should make a point of having an annual conversation to discuss: 

  • What was good about the previous year
  • What was bad 
  • What they hope for the year ahead

You could use those categories to begin a conversation about sex that starts with your present reality but projects into your desires for the future. 

If you don't know where to begin, look for inspiration in books. The act of exploring sexual literature with your partner can be erotic in itself and help to identify things you might like to try and, equally, to create some boundaries around things that you don't.

As someone smart once said, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got.

For you and your husband, trying new things might just make something good even better.

  • Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com 

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