File: Resolve Rows To Sex He Our Sex Uses

Sex File: He uses sex to resolve our rows — Pic: Istock

Mon, 11 Nov, 2024 - 10:04

Suzi Godson

Every time we argue, my husband thinks sex is the magic make-up solution. I understand that endorphins can help to smooth over bad moods, but they can't fix everything, and what once felt like the hallmark of a passionate relationship now just feels frustrating. How can I get him to deal with the real issue at hand?

It depends on what the "real issue at hand" is, and whether it is something that a conversation could fix. Often, the things that couples argue about are not the things that they are actually upset about. So, for example, rows about money are often rows about power or control, or a mismatched attitude to money might be interpreted as a mismatched attitude to relational commitment. Rows about housework are rarely about the fact that the dishwasher has not been emptied or that socks are on the floor. They are about a basic need for equity and respect in a shared environment. And rows about sex are nearly always a bid for love, affection and attention, possibly from someone who has just discovered the size of the joint overdraft or picked up 15 dirty socks.

Figuring out the unspoken subtext for arguments is important because when you focus on the wrong problem, you end up with the wrong solution. For example, my friend and her husband had constant arguments because he worked long hours all week and then spent his weekends playing golf. He felt he deserved to relax. She felt she never saw him. The arguments got so bad that he gave up playing golf. Nothing changed. He spent his weekends at home watching golf on the TV and she felt just as disconnected from him. If you and your husband could have a calm conversation about the "real issue at hand", you might be able to identify a real solution.

Often, it's not what you say but how you say it that determines whether or not you will be heard. Positive framing will minimise the risk of defensiveness. For example, try saying: "I really care about you and I love that sex is a way for us to reconnect after an argument, but it would mean a lot to me if we could just talk for a bit first. I feel I need to resolve things before I can properly lose myself in sex." If you feel that he uses sex as a way of actively avoiding the issue that you are trying to resolve, try having that conversation in a restaurant so that he is forced to engage. You could also try writing everything down and asking him to respond in writing too.

It's important to point out that not all problems can be solved. According to the mathematician and marriage guru John Gottman, 69% of the things couples argue about are perpetual issues that will never be resolved. In a healthy relationship, that doesn't always matter. When two people feel very safe with each other, being able to actively disagree can be invigorating. For couples who know how to argue healthily, passionate differences of opinion can help them to "re-see" each other as autonomous individuals. They remind them that romantic commitment is a voluntary decision and that they don't own or control each other. The combination of the emotional intensity that can drive the argument and the corresponding awareness of separateness has huge erotic potential.

Sexual relationships can thrive on adrenaline, and arguing can trigger the release of cortisol into the bloodstream. Your husband uses sex as a way to reset the dial. Sex and orgasm counters the effects of cortisol, calms him and leaves him feeling content, secure and emotionally connected to you. Unfortunately for him and for you, you don't enjoy the same release because your brain remains fixated on whatever it was you were arguing about. I'm not dismissing your frustration, but if I were you, I would feel grateful that my husband's response to conflict was to pull closer to me rather than to withdraw.