Sex File: What can we do in a sexless marriage after menopause?

A complete lack of sex is not a reflection of a failed underlying relationship. 

There are lots of couples in their 60s who don't have sex and it doesn't bother them. 

Although there is often an underlying explanation, such as illness or erectile dysfunction, sometimes people just lose interest in an activity that requires energy and enthusiasm at a point in life when they might feel a little lacking in both.

Not having sex is not a problem if both partners are equally uninterested. 

Issues only arise when the decision to give up on it is made unilaterally and one person is left longing for physical intimacy. 

You are married and decisions about anything that will have an impact on both of you should be made together. 

Your wife's libido probably started to decline around the time that she would have gone into menopause. 

Before, during and after menopause, lots of women have issues that can make sex very painful. 

A hypoallergenic water-based lubricant can help, or GPs can prescribe a low-dose oestrogen treatment that's applied directly as a pessary, cream or vaginal ring to increase moisture.

Unfortunately, some women find the idea of talking about sexual problems with a doctor more challenging than suffering in silence. 

Although all women experience the menopause differently, if your wife wasn't feeling great at the time and you were pressing her for sex that she didn't want to have, you may have unwittingly contributed to the problem.

The good news is that you clearly have a lovely relationship, and it is never too late to change. 

All the two of you need to do is be completely honest with each other. 

It isn't about her talking to you; it's about both of you opening up about how you feel in a way that does not lay the blame at either door. 

I would suggest that after you read this, make her a cup of tea, sit down together and talk about everything. 

Start at the beginning - how you met - and you will eventually arrive at the point where things became tricky. 

If you can unpack that when you get there, you can start looking for solutions.

It is worth trying to sort this out. So many couples who struggled to find the time to have sex when they were raising kids, or working all hours, find that sex in their 60s and beyond is the best it has ever been. 

They know each other intimately. They feel safe and secure, and they have time to really explore sexual pleasure. 

You are financially secure and have time to really invest in each other. 

With empathy, care and a positive mindset, you and your wife can turn this temporary full stop into a new beginning.

• Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com