Sex File: My partner has put on weight and our sex life is suffering
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I am sure there must be some people who genuinely don't care about carrying a bit of extra weight, but they are in the minority. Despite the best efforts of the body positivity movement, research continually finds that for both men and women, body satisfaction decreases as BMI increases. It's difficult because weight gain in midlife is something of an inevitability thanks to metabolic changes, loss of muscle mass and declining levels of sex hormones.
The change in your partner's appearance is obviously an issue for him but the change in the way the two of you are communicating sounds equally problematic. You feel frustrated because he rejects your attempts to be supportive but he finds your constant reassurance "patronising". Feeling patronised, as you say, is not sexy, and telling him that you love him just the way he is may only serve to draw attention to something he is already acutely aware of.
Having said that, it's hard to judge how significant his weight problem really is: "a bit" suggests a modest gain that wouldn't ordinarily create the sort of crisis of confidence that could affect a person's sex life. Although obesity has a positive correlation with sexual dysfunction, negative body image is more strongly linked to decreased sexual confidence, and that is true regardless of a person's actual weight. If your partner feels ashamed of his body, it's going to be hard for him to be emotionally and physically intimate with you, no matter how often you tell him that you still find him attractive.
There has been a big increase in male body dysmorphia in recent years but there is a lack of awareness and a lack of support. The Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation runs online and real-world support groups around the country. If your partner's crisis of confidence doesn't seem to correspond to the amount of weight he has gained, it could be worth him exploring these resources. Try to find ways to remain connected at this point, while he figures everything out. Since intercourse is not necessary for a satisfying sexual experience, instead of pressing him for sex you could try increasing the intimacy between you. Focusing on physical interactions that make him feel comfortable - kissing, touching and hugging - rather than sexual interactions that might make him feel uncomfortable will help to build trust.
If, however, "a bit" is actually "a lot", the quickest way to get things back on track will be to tackle the issue head-on. Diet and exercise will of course help to get his weight under control, and may also help to boost mood and self-esteem. Or, if he has a BMI of 30 or higher, you could schedule a consultation with a GP for advice and support.
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