Long-term relationships: Navigating the ups and downs of lasting love
Are Globally, Marriages 50 Where A Rise Their There’s Being What’s Termed Divorce’, ‘grey Couples Been In Over Ending
No relationship exists in a bubble, and life can get in the way. As years pass, major events happen, and stresses are introduced to your lives, pushing your relationship down the priority list. If you have kids, life gets even busier. You ride that busyness for years until one day, you wake up, and there’s been another shift - life has settled down, your kids are less dependent on you, and you have time.
“It’s inevitable that this happens,” says psychotherapist and author of Trish Murphy. “You hit a stage where you’re not as busy and you have more time to focus on each other. The problem is that sometimes you can look at your partner and think, ‘Who is this person?’. Or the small niggles that you barely noticed when you were busy loom larger.”
This period tends to occur in a couple’s relationship when they’ve been together for 20 or 30 years. They may be in their 50s or 60s, depending on when they got together. This is when a relationship reckoning can spring up. Globally, there’s been a rise in what’s being termed ‘grey divorce’, where couples over 50 are ending their marriages. In the US, the rate of couples aged over 50 divorcing is 36%, up from just 8% in 1990.
“Each decade of our lives can look different, and you will have roles — parent, teammate, housemate, carer, lover, partner — during that time. But where do you fit in? What do you want and what do you want as a couple? Often, if you have your 'parent hat' on, it’s easy to forget that you were a couple first,” says Grace Alice O’Shea, sex and intimacy specialist.
“In the chaos of life, you can lose sight of love. The key is not to be reactive, make time and space for conversation and connection as early as you can,” says Shane Murphy, psychotherapist and couples counsellor. “Have lunch, go for a walk, go for dinner, enjoy a night away.”
For O’Shea, it’s vital that couples are “as intentional as possible”. “Have regular check-ins where you chat about what’s going on — work, family, friendships, hobbies, your relationship, and what you want from life. When people get older and they’ve been together for a long time, they can slip into the false belief that they know everything about each other, but they couldn’t possibly.”
Shane agrees. “It’s so important to ask the questions. Never assume you know everything about your partner, or how they think. That can end up with both parties assuming that the other person wants something or doesn’t want something, and that’s where misunderstandings can spring from.”
These regular check-ins should happen once a week (maybe on a Sunday evening). Allow 20 minutes or so for each person to talk about how they felt about their week and anything that may have happened to them. “Don’t suppress your emotions or feelings here, it’s a time for you to speak honestly,” advises Shane. “Ask direct, honest questions. And be prepared to be open and honest in return.”
In this way, couples can stop something trivial from becoming a more significant issue. It’s never too late to be honest, says Shane. “I worked with a couple once where one of them had been annoyed by a simple habit of their partner for 20 years and had never mentioned it. It blew up into a huge issue, and in one of our sessions, the offending partner asked, ‘Why didn’t you mention this before? I would have done my best to stop it?’”
It’s easy to let things slide when you’re too busy or want to avoid confrontation, but O’Shea says it’s OK to have uncomfortable conversations, particularly around sex. “Any conversation about trying something different or changing your sex life is going to hurt your partner’s feelings, and that’s OK. Don’t let the fear of hurting their feelings stop you from talking about it. Your sex life is an important part of your relationship but it can be impacted by so many things.
"Couples who are together for a long time often ask me, ‘How do we get back into the swing of it?’” “It requires a difficult conversation to say, ‘I love you, but I want to work on our sex life’. This is vulnerable work, and there are no quick fixes, but it’s important to be in the space and have the conversation.”
These are fundamental, relatively simple issues, and there will be larger issues that a couple can face when they’ve been together for so long, but open, honest communication is a good starting point. “Remember, the concept of long-term monogamy is new. There is no blueprint for that. We’re all trying to figure it out,” explains O’Shea.
Reminiscing can be a lovely way to revitalise a relationship, says O’Shea. “While you can’t go back to that honeymoon phase, reminiscing allows you to feel that connection again, to remember who you used to be.” “You can fall back in love again and create new memories and connect in a different way. Why not see this phase as something positive, instead of negative,” says Shane.
Moving into this next phase of your relationship needs to be intentional. “Instead of waiting for your partner to demonstrate their love, try to offer opportunities for togetherness. You get what you practise,” says Trish. “If you want romance, be romantic. If you love to feel attractive, create a situation where you feel that way. Feeling foolish is good for a relationship. Make time for it - leave notes for each other, send text messages, and make a little bit of effort.
“Cuddle up on the couch. If you have a nice thought about your partner, tell them. If you think they look great, tell them. It takes courage to change patterns. There’s risk there, but it only takes one of you to change the dynamic. Let it be you. Take the risk, feel alive.”
If you reach a point where you are questioning your relationship, an audit can be helpful.
Here are ten questions you can ask regularly to keep your relationship on track:
- What are our values?
- Where do we see ourselves in 10 years?
- What do we enjoy doing together?
- Do we feel fulfilled?
- Are we enjoying sex as much as we want to?
- Do we feel affection for each other?
- Do we feel seen by each other?
- Do we get excited when the other person is excited?
- What are your big stresses in life?
- Do we celebrate each other’s wins?
“A proper audit should take at least six months. Some questions can be answered on the spot, but other questions like “What do we want from life?” are harder to answer, and you need to think about them. Ask the question and let each partner operate at their own pace,” says Shane.
If, after six months, you ask, ‘Do we want to stay together?’ Be prepared for the answer. If it’s yes, ask a further question, ‘Are we prepared to work at it?’
If it’s no, then it's time for acceptance. “If it’s over, face up to it. We have a lot of living to do, and we owe it to ourselves to get what we need from life,” says Trish Murphy.