Sex File: Everything about my husband turns me off 

You acknowledge that this is a change in you, not him, so it is important to work out why you feel this way. Since the problem started after you had children, domestic inequity is one probable cause. 

Lots of women feel overwhelmed by the double burden of parenting and domestic responsibility, and if a husband doesn't pull his weight or appreciate how much his wife does, resentment is inevitable. 

Some women vent their displeasure but criticism causes lots of arguments. Others bottle up their feelings as a way of avoiding conflict, but that doesn't work terribly well either. 

Rather than unpacking complicated emotions, they end up stonewalling their partner, increasing the emotional disconnect.

Over time resentment chips away at respect. When you feel unappreciated you become a silent critic. 

Small habits that annoy you become symbolic of bigger frustrations and things that might not have bothered you previously become disproportionately irritating. 

You look at the way he behaves and think, "You haven't got a clue how much I dislike you right now." 

That contempt gives you a kind of emotional power, but it is hugely destructive. It's also true that resentment dampens sexual attraction and that makes it impossible to have meaningful sex.

Although talking openly is the general advice when couples encounter difficulty, I don't think that's a great idea here. There are no good outcomes to telling your husband he gives you the ick. 

Also, the only person you can actually change is yourself, so the thing you need to do is try to change the way you perceive him. 

It won't be as hard as you think: reframing the way you think about someone you have once loved is not difficult. You simply need to stop focusing on their flaws and remember their better qualities.

Write down what you actually liked and admired about your husband when you met. Look through old photos and videos for inspiration. 

What do you see? A man who is kind? Funny? Sexy? Interesting? A good dad? Do you see a man who loved, and loves, you? A man you once loved in return? If the answer to those questions is no, feel free to give up.

If the answer to most of them is yes, can you remember why you chose to marry and have kids with this man? Nobody is perfect, including you, so we all need to let go of unrealistic expectations.

Finally, it's worth considering whether your aversion to your husband could be a manifestation of personal dissatisfaction. When you're unfulfilled, stressed or unhappy, it's easy to project those feelings on to your partner. 

Being a mother is amazing but for many women it can lead to a loss of identity. Think about what you could do to expand your horizons and give yourself a sense of purpose. 

If you feel more fulfilled, you are less likely to fixate on his shortcomings, and you may feel flickers of those old feelings of desire.

• Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com