Sex File: His post-partum body-shaming has put me off sex
Pic: Istock
I'm not sure whether men realise the disproportionate impact that throwaway comments about the female body can have on a woman.
I run the teenage mental health service Tellmi and I can't count the number of teenage girls we support who have developed body dysmorphia or eating disorders as a result of thoughtless remarks about puppy fat made by parents, relatives or boyfriends. T
he irony is that when it comes to appearance, girls and women are often the most self-critical people on the planet.
Your husband's comments are not only hurtful, they are also unfair.
If he had spent nine months eating for two, sleeping badly, nurturing a baby the size of a watermelon in his increasingly distended abdomen, ejecting said watermelon, feeding it with milk from his exhausted body until it grew into a happy and healthy toddler, and then, just as he was getting that child into nursery, had to do the whole thing all over again... he might have a little more empathy.
Making two small humans from scratch is no mean feat and most women find it takes a physical toll on their bodies.
It's not only the stress of being pregnant and giving birth. Mothers who have young children rarely have time to focus on their own needs.
Studies repeatedly show that women in heterosexual relationships do most of the housework and childcare.
They also do more cognitive labour, such as organising household tasks, school runs and children's activities.
They also do more emotional labour, such as supporting the children and managing the emotional health of the family.
This additional burden is often unseen but is crucial to the smooth running of any family home.
You need to talk to your husband about how hurtful these comments are. He may not realise how frequently they slip out or how much impact they have on you.
Explain to him that his criticism has damaged your experience of sexual intimacy. I don't think any man would like to know that his wife feels she is simply a "convenient presence" in the bed.
Making it clear that these comments are unacceptable might not make much difference to his behaviour but being assertive about what is and is not acceptable for you will help you to protect your own emotional wellbeing.
You also need to turn this conversation into an opportunity to demand something from him. Tell him that if your body is not in the same shape, it may be because you don't have as much time as him to focus on yourself.
As the words leave your mouth, remind yourself that you are doing this for you, not him.
Exercising regularly and eating healthily isn't just about keeping in shape or aesthetics. It is the single most effective way to build self-esteem, strength, flexibility, coordination and self-efficacy.
Make it a habit and you will feel stronger, happier, more confident and less willing to put up with nonsense from a man who does not appreciate you.
- Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com