Sex File: I'm a widower and the women I date want to move faster than I do
As Has Who You Potential, Can Offline Istock You Someone If Fast Do It As Meet Get Picture:
Gosh, no. Of course women use dating apps to enjoy casual sex, but vast numbers would, I imagine, be incredibly pleased to find a man who wants to get to know their mind before getting to know their body. You just need to find them. You don’t say how long ago you lost your wife, or how long ago you met and how much the dating game may have changed since, but if your loss was relatively recent you may just need a bit more time.
Recent research at Lusofona University in Lisbon has found that bereavement and grief disrupt people’s ability to engage emotionally and physically with new partners. However, the study also showed that sexual intimacy can help to alleviate grief so it is worth the effort of trying to find the right person — who is happy to move at the same pace.
If you want to change the nature of the encounters with women you are matched with online, it is worth thinking about how you behave online. Rather than trying to attract more of the same, try to skew the algorithm by being more specific about your criteria. Most people write their profiles to “attract” potential partners, but using reverse psychology to filter out inappropriate partners can be much more effective. Instead of trying to get women to swipe right on you, create a profile that is designed to filter out the kind of women that you do not want to meet.
You can use humour to tone it all down, but ultimately your profile needs to send a clear message about who you are and what you want to get from the experience. Create boundaries. Be picky. Be honest about the kind of behaviour that turns you off. Don’t lie. Don’t exaggerate and don’t engage with anyone unless you are 100% certain you are interested.
If you do meet someone who has potential, get it offline as fast as you can. Use video calls to do an initial screening and then meet for a quick coffee. Don’t waste time on anyone who doesn’t seem to be on the same page and, in all seriousness, don’t waste too much time on dating apps. Scrolling endlessly through a million different profiles can be soul destroying and although these apps promise the earth, people are increasingly conscious of the inadequacies. They are a particularly unsuccessful option for the over-50s. A 2020 study by Pew found that 19% of people aged between 50 and 64 had used dating apps, but just 7% of that age group had ever been in a committed relationship with someone they had met through online dating.
It may feel much harder to look for love in the real world but make an effort to broaden your social circle. Attend more events, go on singles holidays, take up a hobby, join clubs, be open to new experiences and go out of your way to meet new people. Between the ages of 55 and 59 there are only 92 men for every 100 women in the population so it’s a numbers game, and unlike online dating, the real-world odds are very much in your favour.
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