Sex File: Our sex drives never seem to be in sync, how do we close our libido gap?
Picture: Istock
Don't panic. Fluctuations in libido are inevitable across the course of a long-term relationship. Life challenges have an obvious impact, but issues that might seem comparatively minor, such as perceived unfairness in the division of domestic labour, or even just not feeling respected or cared about, can seriously undermine sexual desire.
Most couples in your situation find it difficult to sync sexual desire. A recent British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles found that 29% had not had any sex at all in the previous month. For the past 20 years, you have been navigating all the big life transitions, so the fact that you are still having sex with each other, albeit not in the gloriously synchronised way that marked the early days, means the prognosis is pretty good.
For many couples, navigating mismatched libidos is complicated by the fact that they don't actually like each other very much. You and your husband don't have that problem. You clearly still care about each other, but you are not prioritising your relationship in a way that supports your sex life. You are at a point in your lives where there are huge demands on you both and although I know it is not easy to steal quality time together, ultimately it is the quickest and easiest way to get your sex life back on track.
Sexual desire is a strange little thing. It shies away from the busyness of daily life, actively recoils from any kind of interpersonal tension and blossoms best when people are relaxed and not distracted by commitments. Your task is to create the optimal conditions for this to happen.
Sexual desire also responds to emotional connectedness, and that is increased by communication and trust. A number of studies have shown that the most conclusive predictor of satisfaction in a long-term relationship is not how often a couple has sex but how easy - or how difficult - they find it to talk about sex with each other. So, make a point of talking about what changes when one or other of you does or does not want to have sex. Understanding the dynamics that increase or decrease your desire will help you figure out how to do more of the good stuff and less of the bad.
The other thing to talk about is how it makes you both feel when your partner rejects your sexual advances. If you can clarify that saying no is about lack of energy, not lack of interest, it can take the sting out of perceived rejection.
Being open with each other might also allow you to explore ways to use sex toys, solo sex and passive sexual positions to accommodate both tiredness and desire. Exploring alternative ways to have sex is in itself a sexy process. Creating excitement about what you plan to do the next time you have sex - and scheduling that - makes it much more likely that you will both show up enthusiastically.