Sex File: Will separate beds mean the end of our lovemaking?
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Snoring is an annoying problem that 25% of couples struggle with all the time and about 45% of couples deal with intermittently. Although the snorer seems to have an easier time of it, snoring, and sleep apnoea, with which it is often associated, actually disrupts sleep for both partners — and, of course, anything that undermines sleep quality can leave people feeling tired, grumpy and stressed.
Experiencing disrupted sleep in the long term is associated with an increased risk of developing physical health problems such as hypertension and cardiovascular disease, as well as mental health problems such as depression. It can also affect your relationship. When your partner is out cold, snoring like a drain, and you have a 5.30am start but cannot sleep, it’s difficult to resist the urge to beat them over the head with a pillow.
In 2017 the Sleep Council in Britain published a study that explored the bedtime experiences of 5,002 people. The results showed that more than 35% of people had been suffering from sleep problems for more than five years and 20% had been sleep-deprived for more than ten years. In addition, 25% of participants blamed their sleep problems on partner disturbance and as a result were sleeping separately some of the time, with 12% doing so on a permanent basis. For many people, it is a purely practical arrangement. It doesn’t mean they don’t like each other or that the marriage is in trouble. It simply means that they can’t get a good night’s sleep in the same bed.
Before you go down the road of sleeping separately, though, I’d do everything you can to try and remain in the same bed. Sleeping together provides you and your partner with roughly seven hours of close physical proximity, touch and togetherness every night. It keeps you connected and obviously increases the opportunities for spontaneous sex. Sure, you can tiptoe down the hall if the mood takes you, but it is not the same as an inquisitive hand creeping across the sheet to say hi.
There are a number of different options for help with snoring, but none of them look particularly pretty — I doubt your partner wants to go to bed with a chin strap, a nasal dilator or a mandibular advancement device. However, a few lifestyle changes (besides earplugs) can help. The biggest one is not drinking because alcohol greatly exacerbates snoring, so ask your partner not to drink for a few days and see if that helps. White noise machines are very helpful and you don’t notice them at all after about ten minutes. There is also some evidence to support the use of sleep position trainers, which stop people lying on their backs, although they can be very expensive and a tennis ball in a pair of tights wrapped around his torso is possibly just as effective.
Sleeping separately is obviously not a decision you can make unilaterally but if you talk to your partner and he thinks it’s a good idea too, there is nothing to stop you and your husband going to bed together, making love and then sleeping separately. Alternatively, you could take turns slipping into each other’s rooms in the early hours of the morning and that way it will feel as if you are waking up together. The other option is to spend one or two nights a week sleeping in the same bed on the understanding that you can catch up with your sleep on the nights you sleep apart. Taking the stress out of sleeping might make you appreciate the nights you spend together a lot more.
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