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Mon, 03 Jun, 2024 - 12:58

Suzi Godson

My girlfriend and I are in our early 30s and our sex life has dwindled massively. We’ve only been together for two years, living together for one. We don’t have children, but sex seems either to come right at the bottom of our list of priorities, one of us gets distracted, or we’re simply too tired. My girlfriend says that whenever her friends talk about sex these days, it’s largely about the fact they’re not having it. Surely we’re all too young for this?

Welcome to the 21st century, where scrolling for memes has become a more prioritised pastime than having sex. Results from a 2019 National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in Britain, found that one in three men and women aged 16-59 hadn’t had sex at all in the previous month, compared with one in four when the same study was carried out ten years ago. The study also showed that the average number of times that 35 to 44-year-olds reported having sex in the previous month had dropped from four to two among women and from four to three among men.

If you look at the research, there are a number of explanations for the global decline in interest in an activity that was once one of the main reasons that people used to get married. Studies have explored everything from the impact of endocrine disruptors in the water to ultra-processed foods and the cost of living crisis on human libido.

However, the simplest and most obvious explanation is that there are now other, more compelling ways for us to entertain ourselves. Sex is great, but it now competes with Netflix, porn, Instagram and every other digital distraction that keeps us all incessantly and unnecessarily busy. Am I the only one who loses half an hour scrolling when I go to the loo? Social media sucks me into a black hole, yet I find I keep doing it, over and over again.

Being 'on' all the time is exhausting too. Because we are almost always contactable we can end up working nonstop. A 2017 American Psychological Association survey of more than 3,500 adults found that checking work emails, continuously cycling through social media feeds and responding to text messages at all hours was associated with higher stress levels. Stress indirectly affects libido because it increases the level of cortisol in your body, which, in turn, lowers the level of the sex hormone testosterone. When stress is relentless, your sex drive pulls over into a layby and sputters to a halt.

Two years is not a long time and you and your girlfriend should, by rights, still be in the honeymoon period, but you sound happy enough. Although you could look for flaws in your relationship or question your commitment to each other, I think hyperstimulation is a much more likely explanation. Being busy leaves no room for sex. Remember the lazy summer mornings and afternoons you might have shared when you first met and you were so focused on each other that you ignored everything else?

If you are willing to make the effort, it’s not difficult to get back there. Basically, to start seeing each other again, you and your partner need to switch off all the distractions. Shut your laptops. Stay in a tent or a hut for a weekend. Prioritise getting back to a place of unadulterated boredom. Boredom used to feel like a negative thing — now it is a luxury and it is, for sure, the best and most effective aphrodisiac in the world. In the absence of any other form of stimulation, having sex suddenly becomes a really interesting idea. Give it a try and tell your friends.