Sex File: I'm married and have a crush on my neighbour

I don't plan on acting on my feelings, but does that make it OK?

You don't say anything about what kind of relationship you have with your neighbour, but more often than not, intense attraction is reciprocal. 

When someone starts camping in your head, it often means that you are camping in their head too. It always begins very innocently.

You see each other across the garden fence every morning as you leave for work. You make eye contact and because it is human nature to do so, you weigh each other up. 

You begin to smile and say hello to each other. You have a chat and you find him easy to talk to. He makes you laugh and you like the attention. So does he. It's nothing, and yet suddenly you can't keep your imagination on a leash, even when you're making love to your husband. The secrecy creates an additional frisson for you, but you also feel guilty.

Is that guilt rational? Marriage doesn't stop you from appreciating other people and lots of people develop harmless, fleeting crushes, which mean absolutely nothing in the greater scheme of their lives. Problems arise when crushes are nurtured. If you keep feeding a fantasy it gets bigger and bigger until it takes up all the space in your head. Sure, thinking is not doing, but it is the first step on the path to action, and since you live right next door to this man, it's a particularly short path.

Also, you are focused on your own motivations, but you are forgetting about your neighbour.

You may be able to continue to contain your own feelings, but if his desire leaps the garden fence, you're on shakier ground.

When you are consumed by one idea, it is very difficult to create space for an alternative perspective, but deep down you know why this has happened. You married a man that you loved and you had passionate, exciting sex.

You enjoyed the honeymoon period (which lasts approximately two and a half years) and began building a life together.

Inevitably, the demands of day-to-day life dulled some of the original sparkle, but you also began to encounter unanticipated challenges. Some were hard to define; communication difficulties and lack of empathy.

Others were more tangible; money worries or even political differences. You still had sex, but it felt more routine and although you were happy, you didn't feel quite as closely connected as you once did.

A small space opened up between you and because neither of you addressed the changes in your relationship, you filled that space with a crush on your neighbour.

You have not done anything wrong, and how you feel is incredibly common, but it is a turning point in your marriage.

Data from the US shows that the average length of a marriage before divorce is now eight years, and that figure has not changed much in the past half-century. In 1974 the median duration of marriage was 7.5 years.

So stop worrying about your crush and start worrying about your marriage. You don't need to tell your husband what has prompted your renewed interest in him, but you need to spend more time together.

Do things you enjoy. Take a holiday. Talk more. Try to reconnect with the person you fell in love with if you want to mend that crack before it splits.

• Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com