Sex File: Neither of us can be bothered to have sex after having our first baby

I imagine it is incredibly irritating to be told that what you are going through is completely normal, but it really is. Research consistently confirms that women's libidos take a nosedive after childbirth, with sexual activity resuming fully only after about six months.

It's not just women's libidos that are affected. Research at Northwestern University in Chicago found that testosterone levels in new fathers - those with a baby under one year - drop by an average of 30%, and when a baby is less than a month old the father's testosterone levels are four to five times lower than levels in men who have not had children.

Another interesting study, conducted by Heather Rupp at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, explored sex through the lens of the neuroendocrine (hormone) changes that occur after having a child. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, so she conducted an experiment to see whether it might be responsible for the decrease in sexual interest that women report during the year after giving birth.

Rupp used two groups of women. One group had recently given birth and the other had not had a child. Half of both groups were given a dose of nasal oxytocin, then specialist scanners measured how their brains responded when they were shown erotic images, neutral images and images of babies. The researchers predicted that the women who had given birth would respond more strongly to the baby photos than to the erotic photos. They were wrong. 

Regardless of whether they had been given oxytocin, the women who had given birth demonstrated less brain activity in response to all the photos. Basically, they were too exhausted to respond to anything other than the needs of their child.

So how can you best get your intimate life back on track?  A team from the Universidad Europea de Madri reported that women universally advocated having time to themselves and acceptance and mutual support from their partner.

None of that is rocket science, but it is a helpful reminder - and the main thing is to stop comparing yourself with other people. Give yourselves a break and, if you can, ask for some help. Your baby is six months old, so give them to someone you trust and get a night away together, if only to reconnect emotionally. Even a couple of hours can make a big difference. That gives you half an hour to take a relaxing bath, half an hour to have sex - if you want to - and to break the cycle. And finally, a whole hour to lie naked together, in uninterrupted peace. Bliss.

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