Why do so many young men struggle with loneliness and isolation?
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Actor Barry Keoghan made headlines recently when he confided about feeling deeply lonely.
The star told GQ magazine that during the premiere of his latest film, , in “one of the noisiest, busiest cities in the world” — New York — he felt alone.
“There’s a loneliness as well that comes with this… a massive loneliness. It’s hard not to talk about that or to pretend that’s not there,” said the 31-year-old Dubliner.
It’s good that Keoghan spoke so candidly because we’re not hearing much about loneliness in young men, according to Dr Joanna McHugh Power, associate professor in psychology at Maynooth University.
“We haven’t seen a lot in a national context about loneliness and young men.
But this is changing, and one reason is because of the BBC Loneliness Experiment, which was done in Britain in 2021 — it reached more than 46,000 people across 237 countries.
“And it found that young men are lonely more frequently than any other demographic. And that when they are lonely, they’re lonely more intensely. The study found, in general, the loneliest people were aged between 16 and 24.”
McHugh Power is chair of the Loneliness Taskforce Research Network, a newly formed organisation that aims to inform the activities of the Loneliness Taskforce and bring together ongoing research on loneliness in Ireland. The Loneliness Taskforce was set up in 2018 to coordinate an Irish response to loneliness and to make recommendations to the Government.
“In Ireland, we have very good data on loneliness and older people. And we know it’s a problem among younger [cohorts] but we don’t really know the extent of the problem. So the Loneliness Taskforce has asked for more comprehensive data research across all demographics.”
Showing just how vital this work is are findings from the first-ever EU-wide survey on loneliness, conducted last year. This looked at loneliness prevalence in the EU and found it most prevalent in Ireland, with more than 20% of respondents reporting feeling lonely. This compares to an EU average of 13%.
A small study from UL’s Department of Psychology, published last summer highlighted that the experience of loneliness during young or emerging adulthood (18 to 25 years) can be tied to key social transitions during this life stage and may not always be an entirely negative experience.
The research, published in the journal of , revealed that while loneliness involves negative feelings, there are individual differences in how emerging adults perceive their experience of loneliness – and some individuals may even identify positive aspects to it, for example, the opportunity for self-reflection and motivation to form new relationships.
Speaking after the publication of the study, co-author Dr Ann-Marie Creaven, lecturer in psychology at UL, said loneliness is often considered an issue specific to older adults. “But in fact it’s very common in young adulthood and often a precursor to more significant mental health challenges.
“This research tells us that occasional feelings of loneliness are probably quite normal in this group. However, when loneliness is felt very strongly, or very persistently, mental health supports may be required,” Dr Creaven added.
Laura McKitterick is clinical manager with the Donegal service of youth mental health charity Jigsaw. She believes loneliness is becoming more prevalent in younger generations, including in men. “There’s no one type of male that fits the profile. I look at people’s routines and habits — do they have anything that brings interconnectedness?
“You could have a young person who, on the surface, is really well-connected. They’re in college or school, on the football team, but when they come in to chat, it’s loneliness that’s coming across. And it’s because they’re not properly connected, not in a meaningful way.”
Dr Joseph Morning, head of learning and curriculum at Spunout, Ireland’s youth information and support platform, says the organisation’s “action panel” of young people guides on topics they’d like to hear about. “Loneliness has been highlighted as one they’d like more information on. It’s clearly to the forefront of a lot of young people’s minds.”
Defining loneliness as a “feeling of wanting more, of wanting deeper connection, of wanting to be seen and understood”, Morning hears from young people that they “want practical advice about what loneliness is, why it happens and what steps they can take if they’re experiencing it”.
Dr Lucy Smith, head of counselling with UL student counselling and wellbeing service and co-chair of PCHEI (Psychological Counsellors in Higher Education in Ireland), says there is no question loneliness is an issue among college students. However, among her colleagues, no-one has “particularly noted that males are struggling more than other genders”.
Smith suggests though that the “concept of what it is to be masculine may well generate isolation in those who identify as male”, rendering them more vulnerable, and affecting them in various adverse ways. “For example, it may affect their capacity to rely on others for support. They may feel greater shame than other genders in identifying, admitting, or seeking support for isolation/loneliness. They may ignore their difficulties until things have become intolerable more so than females or other genders.”
She says a “culture and background of gender role socialisation” encourages boys and men to ignore or devalue emotions, and to be self-reliant rather than reaching out to others. This could impact their creation of “meaningful relational connections with others”, thereby reducing their social support network — yet both ‘meaningful connections’ and ‘social supports’ are strong buffers against mental health problems.
There are many reasons why students find themselves isolated and lonely today, says Smith. She cites long commuting distances due to lack of local accommodation — and increasing cost of living, which forces students to find work. Both impact student capacity to socialise and make friends. “[And] the impact of covid means many students rely on their devices for making contact with others, which reduces the emotional connection and reciprocity of face-to-face interactions.
Even aside from the current crises in accommodation and cost of living, and the way in which covid “changed the entire social context around working arrangements and educational experience”, McHugh Power says people in their late teens and early 20s undergo a massive time of transition anyway. “Moving out of the family home for work or college involves social upheaval that can leave people at risk of loneliness. And there are other factors for young men, who are more at risk of homelessness and substance addiction than young women.”
Loneliness, she says, is a feeling. “And when we’re young we haven’t developed our optimal ability to regulate our emotions. We’re less well able to manage those feelings of loneliness. So even if society was perfect there would still be these challenges.”
That Barry Keoghan should stand up and say ‘I feel lonely’ is “so wonderfully destigmatising” says McHugh Power. “Because there’s a stigma around loneliness — we don’t like to tell other people.” She believes this is because loneliness and social isolation are so closely linked. “If we’re isolated, we might suspect it’s because of ourselves, our personality, our behaviour. To admit it might be to suggest there’s something wrong with us.
“I suspect loneliness could be tarred with the same brush – that ‘there’s something wrong because I can’t reach out and engage socially’.”
Loneliness can be a shifting concept to define, and difficult to measure. “We’re talking about a family of feelings,” says McHugh Power. “For example, there can be emotional loneliness — for loss of a partner; or social loneliness – for a group or social network. So we need to know what kind of loneliness we’re dealing with. There’s no point in telling someone who’s had a breakup to join a club. This type of loneliness needs different support. It’s important to tune into what the loneliness might be.”
So how to address loneliness? Morning says a positive first step is to give yourself permission to feel lonely. “A lot of the aspirational messages that young men are getting through media is to be self-sufficient, to become independent and not to rely on anyone. This is counteractive to [improving] loneliness – you could end up isolating yourself. It’s important to acknowledge to yourself – ‘I do feel lonely – I want more and deeper connections with the people around me’.”
McHugh Power says, when it comes to loneliness, there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution. “It’s down to personality. Joining a club/sport may help an extrovert who’s more comfortable in groups. But it won’t help someone who’s less comfortable in groups.”
She says the major predictor for whether you’re lonely or not is meaningful relationships. “In all age groups this is true. It’s about building new meaningful relationships and maintaining existing ones.”
McHugh Power says it’s also about changing how we think about other people. “We see, among people who’ve been lonely for a long time, that they get negative, cynical and distrustful of other people’s motivations. Working to change these thoughts and perceptions is one way to reduce loneliness.”
And while not a lot of research has been done on interventions that help lonely young people, the work that has been done “seems to suggest that social skills training and finding new hobbies in a group context” are both good antidotes to loneliness, says McHugh Power.
In Donegal, McKitterick recommends young men — and other lonely people — become aware of their social media use. “Social media can be helpful. But if it’s making you more lonely or alone, if you’re going down rabbit holes, or it’s making you compare yourself with others, stop.”
Hearing the voices of men at Donegal Men’s Health Network, it resonated with McKitterick that what men find helpful for their emotional and mental wellbeing is having someone in their life they can really connect with in a non-judgmental way. “Someone they feel they can go to and say ‘I’m not having a great day, I’m feeling lonely’. It could be a sibling, sports coach, colleague.”
McKitterick also encourages developing a connection with an activity meaningful to you. “Guys are more likely to do side-by-side things, fix the tractor with a friend, go hiking alongside a male colleague. They mightn’t talk but they feel they’re in a safe place — they can be who they are and not be judged.”
But it takes reaching out, she says. “Sometimes you mightn’t get much response the first time. Try again, give people the benefit of the doubt. We’ve had men say ‘it didn’t work out the first time I did it’, but they tried again and it worked. They realise: ‘I could have lost out’.”
The Loneliness Taskforce would like to see the Government develop a national plan to address loneliness at all ages — and establish a €5m Loneliness Fund to invest in interventions proven to reduce loneliness.
It would also like a nationwide public awareness campaign, highlighting loneliness and social isolation across a range of populations so as to combat stereotypes. This campaign would direct people to support if they are lonely or educate them about how to support someone experiencing loneliness. “National youth champions talking about loneliness in a destigmatising way would be really useful,” says McHugh Power.
When bad weather threatens, we’re advised to check in on elderly neighbours. “But sometimes it’s not just about bad weather,” says McKitterick. “Perhaps we should be doing this for all our neighbours. What can we do as parents, teachers, friends, to check in on our men?”
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In November, the World Health Organisation declared loneliness a “pressing health threat” and launched a new commission to foster social connection as a priority in all countries.
“There’s a huge evidence base internationally about the impact of loneliness on health,” says associate professor in psychology at MU Joanna McHugh Power.
“It’s a risk factor for almost any physical and mental health problem. It is linked to dementia and cardiovascular risk, to depression, suicide and early mortality. It has a profound effect on health, and young men are most at risk of suicide associated with loneliness.”
According to the US-based Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, studies show the health risks of loneliness include:
- Significant increase in a person’s risk of premature death from all causes, a risk that may rival those of smoking, obesity, and physical inactivity.
- A 29% increased risk of heart disease and 32% increased risk of stroke.
- Associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide.
- Among heart failure patients, loneliness was associated with an almost four times increased risk of death, 68% increased risk of hospitalisation, and 57% increased risk of emergency department visits.