Talk To Me: I'm hurt by my girlfriend’s liaison during our four-month break

You may have been quite dependent on her for emotional support, while she, like many women, may have been less dependent, leaning more heavily on her female friends. This means the breakup may have been more costly for you. Men often remain emotionally connected for longer after a breakup, so this may influence how you experienced this news.

I’m sorry to hear about your recent loss, which likely heightens your sense of vulnerability. Reach out to your support network as you process family health issues and grieve. Connecting with a registered therapist could help ensure your responses to these life events are not overshadowed by the immediacy of your romantic relationship.

Your girlfriend ended one relationship with you and is now invested in your new relationship. However, you may be trying to continue the original relationship. Take some time to say ‘goodbye’ to that relationship, to honour your experiences, the good and the bad. Only then can you assess whether you are interested in this new iteration.

Emotional healing takes time, and it is OK to feel hurt and angry. If you decide that you cannot continue in this partnership, it may be helpful to reflect on what you have learned from the relationship, what you wish your ex to take away from it, and what you are grateful for.

If you decide that you would like to stay with your girlfriend, rebuilding trust will be critical. Understanding and making unspoken expectations and assumptions explicit will require a commitment to communication and honesty.

Talk to your girlfriend about how you were affected by her seeing someone else after your breakup. Listen to her perspective with openness. Listen with a view to understanding rather than challenging. Judging her or being blamed will only lead to defensiveness and further hurt.

 Expressing your feelings and concerns and allowing her to share her experience will help you better understand each other’s point of view and can help you navigate and learn from this difficult situation. Ask open-ended questions instead of ‘why’ to foster a positive conversation. Rather than asking, ‘Why did you start to see someone else during our break,’ ask, ‘Can you tell me more about what led you to see someone else?’

Your girlfriend broke up with you as she felt you weren’t invested in making time for significant days and dates. This may have been her barometer for how committed you were to her. Reflect on your contribution to the breakup. Consider your actions to address her concerns about feeling neglected or unimportant. Self-reflection is vital for healing.

Discuss the reasons behind the breakup and consider whether they have been resolved. It is crucial not to simply discuss the actions that occurred during the separation but also the underlying emotional needs that were unmet.

Although sharing identical values with our partner is not obligatory, it is critical to understand each other’s fundamental motivations and be aware of situations where they might be in conflict. Discuss your expectations for the relationship moving forward. Where there are different needs or values, can you identify common ground where you both feel secure and respected?

Rebuilding trust requires doses of positive interactions. This takes time and effort. Your journey towards trust may not run in sync with your girlfriend’s. Open communication, commitment to this new relationship and empathy are required to create a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

Building a culture of appreciation where you recognise and are open to each other’s attempts to connect is essential. Learn each other’s love languages and express gratitude for actions that foster emotional intimacy.

Like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, the care and beauty of reparations after a break can result in a new entity that is more stunning because it embraces its imperfections.

Take care.