Talk To Me: My sister kept her initial cancer diagnosis from me
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A cancer diagnosis can have a profound impact on a person, which can result in a shift in how they view the world. Your sister may be grappling with a sense of vulnerability. When faced with a situation beyond our control, like cancer, it's common to seek control in other areas, sometimes manifesting as a desire to limit our immediate environment, which may include excluding people.
It's natural to feel hurt when you feel excluded. There may be more to her decisions than meets the eye, especially considering your close relationship with your sister, with whom you've shared most aspects of your lives. Given her role as your older sister, she might be acutely attuned to the challenges you've faced and are currently facing. She may be accustomed to being the dependable confidante and supporter. Finding herself in the unfamiliar place of being deeply vulnerable may require some adjustment.
Your sister may be wrestling with a new reality that shines a light on her mortality. You may represent to her all that she was and fears she may never be again. It is natural for her to want to protect you, as perhaps she always has and to protect herself from further pain. At the same time, your increased sense of protectiveness is entirely normal.
A cancer diagnosis can send ripples through more than just the individual's life - it often reshapes family dynamics. Among these relationships, the bond with siblings holds particular significance, being the longest-lasting familial connection. It's almost unavoidable your sister's diagnosis is triggering a transformation in your sibling relationship.
For now, it is vital to respect her approach to coping with her diagnosis and treatment. Your sister holds multiple roles, including mother and wife. Her husband and children are her primary support network. This is likely a demanding time for them. Supporting them indirectly supports her so reach out to them, acknowledge their challenges, and ask how you might meaningfully help them.
Perhaps her husband has ageing parents who you could visit in his place. Perhaps her adult children have children of their own who you could offer to collect from school or afterschool activities. Making meals that can be frozen in individual portions can be a lifesaver. Like you, they are likely anxious about what lies ahead for their mother and wife. These acts of kindness will remind them they are connected to a wider, supportive family.
Research completed over the past decade has found that family relationships can improve following a cancer diagnosis. Disrupting the usual roles we play within the family can create an opportunity to step into new positions. This may be disorienting initially as you all figure out who does what while your sister undergoes treatment and later recuperates. As the younger sister, her diagnosis may prompt you to take on greater responsibility.
It is essential you have someone to confide in while this metamorphosis is taking place. You may experience elements of grief, so lean into your support network. Stay connected to friends who can offer you a safe space to talk about your sense of loss or worry. You may be more comfortable connecting with a registered therapist. This may be especially true if you share the same support network as your sister or other family members.
Hopefully, your sister’s cancer treatment goes well, and she makes a full medical recovery. The psychological recovery may take longer. You will want to support her well into the future, so it is all the more important you take steps to mind your mental and physical health.
Taking time to exercise regularly will not only benefit you physically but will also strengthen your mental agility. I would also suggest beginning a gratitude journal. By shining a light on the small things in your life that are bringing you a sense of contentment or joy, you are increasing their impact. You may also find that writing about some of your struggles helps you achieve greater clarity by intentionally choosing your words. For example, you may initially write that you are feeling sad, but when you question if that is the correct word, you may realise you are feeling powerless.
Recognising and managing your stresses is crucial, as it contributes to your sister's confidence in your ability to provide enduring support. Although initially disorienting, the transformative nature of this experience holds the potential to redefine and strengthen your sisterly bond.
Take care.
- If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie