Long distance: Navigating and keeping friendships alive around the world

Once I graduated, I moved to Brussels, where I have lived and worked in various roles in communications for two years.

Hearing from my friends in Ireland can feel like I’m looking in from the outside and as time passes, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain and nurture friendships back home. 

But this feeling is not just specific to missing my Irish friends. Brussels is often compared to a hostel, where people check in for a certain length of time and then leave again, meaning friendships in the city are never guaranteed to last. 

A lot of my friends have moved back to Ireland or moved to cities like Amsterdam or New York, and it can feel like a cycle of losing and making friends. 

If anything, it has shown me that there is an ebb and flow to friendships, and distance just means that when you meet up again, you have more to catch up on.

Friends are important at all life stages. A 2023 US study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that adult friendships positively correlate with good mental health and friendship quality and socialising with friends predict wellbeing levels. 

Also, research by the American Psychological Association found that those who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression.

The pandemic and rolling lockdowns had an understandable impact on our ability to make new connections and how we view friendship. 

A 2023 survey of 1,000 people conducted by Core found that 68% of people in Ireland say it is more difficult to meet new people after the pandemic, while 58% said they believe friendships are more important than romantic relationships.

In a European Commission study in July, Ireland was also found to have the highest levels of loneliness in Europe.

‘Friendship dates’

The experience of losing and making friends rings true for others in their mid-20s as they navigate their careers.

Sinéad Ní Scolaí, 27, is from Dublin and works as an Irish language tutor at DCU. She says the main thing that has changed in her 20s is how seeing her friends is no longer a day-to-day occurrence like in college.

“A lot of my friends and I are living very separate lives, but we try to catch up about once or twice a month when our calendars match up,” she says. 

“It can be quite sad because we experience fewer things together, but there is something sweet about the active choice to make time for people. I’m a creative and ambitious person, so I find it important to be surrounded by like-minded people. All my friends teach me something different, have traits that I find admirable, and help bring out different sides of me.”

However, a lack of spontaneity can be frustrating. “I recently succumbed to the pressure of using my phone calendar to pencil in ‘friendship dates’,” says Sinéad.

“I hate the idea of having to organise time with my friends four weeks in advance, but I’m quickly realising that’s the only way we can all meet up together because of how busy everyone is. I am glad now, though because I think it works, and I am able to spend more time with the people I love most.”

Digital age

Sadhbh Sullivan, 25, is originally from Bere Island, Co Cork, and moved to Zurich in 2022 with her boyfriend Kevin, where she now works as a marketing consultant. 

She feels her 20s have given her the confidence to know what she wants and needs from her friendships. “My friendships aren’t based on convenience anymore in the way that they were in the past,” she says.

“I can choose who I want in my corner and whose corner I want to be in regardless of my circumstance. As a teenager living in rural Ireland, I found it difficult to make real friends who appreciated me as I was... It’s funny how time changes your perspective because now I know that the things that make me different are the reason why my friends love me.”

Moving to Switzerland reinforced this idea for Sadhbh. “Living abroad means I need to make an extra effort to make new friends, but for me, this is a good thing. It forces me to think about what type of people I want in my life while also being mindful about what I can bring to the table in friendships,” she says.

In the social media and technology age, it’s easier than ever to keep in contact with people.

Sadhbh says technology has helped her to make friends abroad. “I have used Bumble BFF (a networking version of the online dating app launched in 2014) to meet other expats. It’s designed specifically for people who want to make friends rather than enter romantic relationships. You know when you connect with someone, they’re willing and eager to accept new friends into their lives.”

While technology can have positives when it comes to friendship, Sinéad believes that “social media fatigue is definitely a real thing”.

“It’s brilliant for keeping in touch with friends living abroad, but I think many people want to take a step back and decrease their usage because of the negative effects it can have. If it’s the only medium of communication you have with a friend, then I do think that that friendship suffers. I think it’s hard to balance, especially for young Irish people with the levels of emigration we are seeing now.”

Micro-interactions

Clinical psychologist and author Dr Malie Coyne says the pandemic “made us realise that friendships and social interactions are extremely important” for our mental health.

“It’s crucial for us to have friendships — a meeting of the minds or a good laugh with the right person can activate optimal levels of your ‘feelgood’ brain chemicals, which can drastically lower stress levels, your heart rate, and blood pressure,” she says.

While friendships can be made and maintained at any age, Coyne points to a 2016 Finnish study, which found that men and women make fewer friends after 25.

She says that moving house or falling in love can act as catalysts for those changes.

“Friendships can have an age. Our values change as we get older, and we think that we need to stay friends with someone for life. This is not often the case, and it is not a bad thing.

“Micro-interactions are important, which is something we did not have during the pandemic,” she says.

“The word friendship is used to describe many different levels of interaction — you can have family who are friends, while friends can also be described as the family you choose. You can have acquaintances, work friends, close friends, and childhood friends.

“As a social species, friendships are so important to us.”