Talk To Me: I resent my husband retiring while I still have to work

Emotions can be contagious but on this occasion, you’re having a reaction to your husband’s excitement. It is completely natural to have mixed feelings. Your response to his impending retirement is likely to oscillate between resentment, excitement, and uncertainty.

While your husband might be the one who is retiring, the reality is that this is a significant milestone for you both as a couple.

It may be prudent to first consider what retirement means for you individually. Reflect on your expectations and assumptions. It is possible that he sees this as a joint adventure and may assume you are as enthusiastic as he is.

Communication is critical. I encourage you to express your concerns honestly. Using ‘I-statements’ will ensure that your thoughts are conveyed without creating additional tension or defensiveness.

You might open the conversation with, “I’d like us to have a chat about our financial goals and explore how we can make our new situation work for both of us.”

You might also say, “I worry that I might start feeling resentful because I’ll be working while you’re enjoying your retirement, even though I want you to enjoy this stage.”

Using ‘I-statements’ emphasises your feelings and needs, which can foster better, more meaningful communication between you and your husband.

Encourage him to express his feelings and desires. Ask him what he expects of you during this period before you retire. Truly listen to him, notice not only the words but also his tone and his body language. 

Ask questions that help to clarify his thoughts, and notice how specific or not his plans are. You may discover that your voice is needed to tease out the details.

Having listened and genuinely shared thoughts, take time to reflect on the extent to which your needs and desires are aligned. As couples make the transition from one life stage to another, the struggle between the need of the individual for freedom, connection and protection comes to the fore, asking to be resolved yet again.

We can become resentful when our expectations are not realised. After many years of marriage, it can be difficult to discern what is yours and what is ‘yours as a couple’. 

You may benefit from some reflection through journalling or with a registered therapist who can help you to work out how you can live the life you yearn for and have a future that fulfils you and your husband.

Reflect on the role work plays in your life. Is it a means to an end, or does it serve a personal value? Talk to him so that he understands the purpose of your work and the reasons behind it. 

It may be necessary to explore solutions that require compromises to make this period more manageable. It may involve reassessing your financial goals, exploring part-time work options, and finding ways to spend quality time together during your non-working hours.

Together, identify clear objectives for paying off the mortgage and car loan, and make joint decisions on how to shore up your pension fund. The process will enable a renewed sense of teamwork and unity that is important as you enter the next phase of your relationship.

As you navigate this transition, schedule regular check-ins to evaluate how things are going. Leave open the possibility for adjustments to plans as new realities and opportunities emerge. 

Your husband has possibly had specific supports from his employer, preparing him for retirement. He may have already experienced and coped with a range of emotional responses, including anxiety. 

He may be able to offer you insights that have worked for him, perhaps he can share how he feels more excited than fearful.

You also have a wide range of life experience to draw from. Consider how you have survived or even thrived following previous struggles within this relationship or others. 

What strategies can you deploy now that will help you tolerate your emotions and maintain a sense of personal well-being while you continue to work? When we are thrown by a life event, we can forget all the expertise we have at our disposal. 

Take an audit of all you have mastered in life and note the skills you acquired in the process.

As poet Mary Oliver says: ‘If you are too much like myself, what shall I learn of you, or you of me?’

This next stage will bring new learning for you both. Be curious, not furious.

Take care.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, email feelgood@examiner.ie