Talk To Me: My ex has no rules about children's phones and bedtimes 

It is quite the journey from boyfriend and girlfriend to spouses to exes.

The experience may have left you both feeling a bit battered and bruised. The idea of getting back in the ring again to have a courageous conversation about co-parenting may leave you both understandably cold.

However, it’s crucial you both take steps to cease regarding each other as “the ex” and move to seeing each other as the “co-parent”.

When a marriage ends, that relationship ceases and may need to be grieved. And when children are involved this can fudge the grieving process as you remain in each other’s lives. The end of one relationship needs to be marked so that the other relationship can be distinguished and new boundaries are recognised.

While a marriage contract may have clauses about love, security and trust, a co-parenting contract includes commitments for compromise, communication and collaboration. While there are professionals providing this service, there are templates online and apps that can also help. After the end of a marriage, there may be little desire to draft a new contract but, in its absence, conflicting rules, discipline and nurture can take hold.

You may need to consider to what extent you have grieved the marriage.

This possibly has more to do with grieving the life you thought you would be living, not necessarily grieving the husband you thought you had. You may benefit from talking to a registered therapist to explore this. Writing a goodbye letter to that relationship may be helpful. This letter is not for anyone to read — the salve is in the writing.

Shifting the emphasis to your role as a parent, take time to think about and identify your parenting style. Rather than comparing your style to your children’s father’s style, contemplate how your style mimics or contrasts with your parents’ parenting. How have they influenced your parenting style? Were they authoritarian, authoritative, permissive or uninvolved? Increasing this insight will help you to co-parent intentionally.

Examining our parenting styles can reveal hidden fears: Fear of conflict or loss of control. Our fears can prevent us from parenting in a way that serves our children’s developmental needs. Your children’s father has his life experiences and hidden fears too. 

It is crucial to approach this situation with empathy and an open mind.

I note that he has the children during weekends when routines naturally differ from weekdays. I wonder if his routine with the children is more comparable to school holidays. I am curious too about the length of time the children are with their father. To be authoritative, we must have time to solve problems with our children and understand and co-create rules and expectations. When time is lacking, many parents default to permissive or authoritarian parenting. It may be understandable that he would avoid conflict if there is no time to repair the relationship before they return to you.

Once you have accepted this new version of your relationship and considered how life experience has shaped your parenting style and that of your children’s father, you can arrange to have a conversation. Reflect on why you need to have this discussion, your goal, and if there is a shared goal.

Choose the time and place of the conversation with care. How you do this indicates an honouring of your roles as parents and respect for each other. This is not a conversation for “hand-over” time when one or both of you are depleted or stressed. Let the children’s father know that a conversation is needed. Ask when is a good time for him.

Start the conversation by explicitly stating your shared goals as parents. This will likely centre the welfare and well-being of your children. You can then say something like, “I would like to swap views about the kids’ bedtime routine. We need to work together and discuss concerns as they arise”.

This wording recognises that you both have a role in contributing to the outcome. You could then say, “I’d welcome your thoughts about bedtime and then I’d like to share mine. Then we could work out a solution that works for us all”.

Taking time to separate your frustrations as an ex-spouse from the role as co-parent will empower you to connect differently on behalf of your children.

Parenting is a verb — it implies action rather than stagnation. There will be obstacles in the doing — agree on how they will be addressed and avail of support through registered therapists as needed. The context and culture you co-create for your children will be the bedrock from which they will encounter life. Take care.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie