Talk To Me: My lazy teenage sons refuse to help with household chores  

With schools reopening this week comes the onset of the reassuring routine of the school year. Routines are essential for us as a species as they create a sense of predictability and safety. All this makes September the ideal time to adopt new patterns of interaction as a family.

Given your understanding of what it’s like to be a messy teenager and your empathy towards your sons’ behaviour, you’re already on the right track. American author Madeleine L’Engle writes: ‘I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child.’

Sitting with the adolescent part of you, you may recall the wavering moods and responses to adult requests that challenged your budding sense of independence. When you can feel the familiar resistance rise within yourself, you may notice that this has less to do with the chores and more with a sense of disenfranchisement. Having empathy for your teenage sons is critical for your relationship.

Household chores are not a big topic of conversation among adolescents so they are unlikely to understand how typical these activities are in any household. Language matters, and engaging in tasks they associate with sticker charts and extrinsic rewards may feel socially undesirable and uncool.

The teenage brain is still developing and the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and long-term planning, is not fully matured until your sons are in their mid to late 20s. This results in teenagers being more focused on immediate rewards or instant gratification rather than understanding the long-term benefits of contributing to household tasks. It can feel contradictory for them to engage in the mundane jobs of the home while perceiving themselves as carefree, independent and destined for greatness.

Communicate the importance of the family acting as a team and everyone contributing to the upkeep of the home. Link this to their growing independence; taking responsibility for their living environment is a crucial life skill. Discuss how a fair division of labour benefits everyone in the household and creates a more harmonious environment.

Instead of assigning chores, involve your sons in the decision-making process. Let them choose which tasks they’d prefer to do and negotiate the timeframe. This will give them a sense of control and responsibility. Your ability and willingness to complete all tasks — including bringing out the bins and cutting the grass — will also challenge gender stereotyping they may associate with specific household chores.

Relate chores to their interests or personal values. For instance, if one of your sons is motivated to be healthy and enjoys going to the gym, he can be responsible for meal preparation. If your other son values order and structure, let him take charge of ensuring everything has a place and everything is in its place.

There will be teething pains, and giving up or issuing punishments may be tempting. Keep in mind their developmental stage, and make each occasion when they falter an opportunity to reinforce the importance of teamwork, communication and negotiation. Sit down as a family, identify what is working, what is not, why that matters, and what you can each do differently, and go again. Be willing to hear their feedback too; you might be surprised at what you will learn about yourself. Consider how societal norms, gender roles and communication have shaped your expectations.

As the parent, you have a role in coaching and guiding them. It’s not so much about chores but engendering a mindset and appreciation of teamwork. Share your experiences of growing up and your feelings towards housework as a child. Explain how perspective evolves as we age and how you’ve come to see the value in the balanced distribution of chores. Such a conversation can help your sons understand that personal growth and change are possible.

The change will not happen overnight; there will be wins and losses along the way. Be patient and willing to adjust your approach as you observe their responses. Keep in mind you have a greater range of tools in your toolbox to draw on than they do. Demonstrate a willingness to negotiate and acknowledge competing demands on their time and attention. It also helps if you appreciate their efforts when they do help out. Creating the experience of open dialogue and fostering a sense of collective ownership of the household is a powerful way to bring your family together.

Chores are not the only thing to be distributed equitably. Live your life too, letting your sons see how your life is aligned with your values. Like L’Engle, comedian George Carlin believes in being all ages at once: ‘At 68 I’m every age I ever was…I’m not just 68. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh, especially three’.

Don’t let chores become the theme of your current age. Working on your relationship will help you and your sons cherish these teenage years.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline Martin, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie