Talk To Me: My husband doesn't want my elderly dad to move in with us
Pic: Istock
The philosopher Camus said that after one day in the world, we could live the rest of our lives in solitude as there is so much to digest and seek to understand. In the harvest time of our lives, we may find great solace in finding spaces to reflect and consider its vast bounty. By all accounts, your father has much to savour. We can value solitude increasingly as we age. So don't assume your level of comfort with solitude is the same as your dad's. It will be crucial to involve your dad in the decision-making process and not allow your fears to overwhelm his wishes.
It is essential to consider what you as a family can realistically do. You also need to acknowledge the limitations of your circumstances. Currently, you and your husband enjoy a healthy relationship with your dad. This could be challenged if he lived under your roof with your family schedule, values and sense of orderliness. He may be dealing with more than a loss of independence; he may feel his role as your father is diminished.
As his needs will likely increase, nurturing a relationship with his GP is wise. Your father may appreciate you joining him for medical appointments so that you can take notes and understand any referrals or prescriptions. You can also seek guidance from your local mental health service for older people. Building awareness of the available services and relationships with the service providers is prudent as the next step is one in potentially a series of steps.
It is fortunate you enjoy a loving relationship with your father, which needs protection. Open and honest communication with your dad about your concerns and ideas is critical. Discuss the options with him, taking into account his preferences, desires and needs. Empowering him to have a say can help maintain his sense of control and agency.
Maintaining your father's independence for as long as possible is essential. While he may be experiencing physical exhaustion with small tasks, support him in finding adaptive strategies or assistive devices to help him continue performing activities independently. Occupational therapists can provide guidance on adaptive techniques and equipment that can make daily tasks easier.
Obtaining an objective assessment of his needs from healthcare professionals will be helpful. They can offer strategies for managing his fatigue and advise on the range of living arrangements available. This may include home care, which will enable your dad to stay at home and be involved in community groups. Home carers also offer you space to enjoy time with your dad without taking on caregiving duties.
Despite your father's physical limitations, it's critical to recognise that he has demonstrated resilience and an independent spirit in the past. Take the time to acknowledge his accomplishments. These memories are rich for exploration, revealing his core values. Help your father find meaningful activities that enable him to live with purpose. This could involve exploring volunteer opportunities or engaging in hobbies that align with his interests. A sense of purpose can positively impact emotional wellbeing and provide a sense of fulfilment.
Despite Camus’s assertion, we need to scaffold human solitude to ensure that time alone does not equate to time dwelling in negative thinking. To this end, routine and ritual are imperative.
Loneliness and isolation can significantly impact the wellbeing of older adults who are often not given due consideration. The charity Alone recently reported an increase of 300% in the number of interventions they have completed in the past year. Encourage your father to maintain social connections within his community and engage in activities that bring him joy. This could include joining social groups, participating in local events, or attending neighbourhood senior centres. Regular social interaction can help improve his overall wellbeing and quality of life.
Even if your father continues to live independently, it's essential to maintain regular communication and check-ins. Visit him often or establish a routine for phone or video calls. This way, you can stay connected, monitor his wellbeing, and offer assistance or support when needed.
We often think of grief as an experience that follows death. In reality, we experience many versions of grief. Mind yourself as you grieve the dad you once had and become acquainted with this version of him. As he harvests the bounty of his life, grab your basket, walk with him, sit with him and fill your basket with his stories and memories, enriching your family's collective wisdom.
Take care.
If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie