Dead Inside Looks Talk Perfect, Life Feel To My But I Me:

Talk to Me: My life looks perfect, but I feel dead inside — Istock Pic:

Fri, 23 Jun, 2023 - 18:02

Psychologist Caroline Martin

If you were to look at my life from the outside it would seem picture-perfect. I’ve a loving husband, three great teenage children and a successful career. The trouble is I feel dead inside - nothing seems to make me truly deeply happy. I know I should be grateful for all I have but I can’t shake off the empty feeling. Sometimes I fantasise about leaving all the pressure and expectations behind and moving to the south of Spain.

The problem with pictures is that they capture a minuscule moment. They cannot possibly reflect our messy, nuanced existence. We then sieve through these picture moments, adeptly deleting the ones that are less than perfect, curating a life to be shared with the outside world. The trouble is that the grit, the hard work that goes into achieving all you have achieved gets quickly deleted too. Yet the tough, often murky experiences are what add richness to so much of our lives.

Regardless of what life experience lies behind your feelings and sense of self in your world, it takes great courage to acknowledge the disparity between the optics and your reality.

We are peddled a story when we are young that if we work hard, experience success and love we will be happy. Many people, like you, struggle with a sense of emptiness despite outwardly achieving. In the context of our Leaving Cert students entering the final phase of their exams, it strikes me that we are asked at an incredibly young age to make decisions that inform the path our lives will take. Yet, crucially, few of us are armed with the skills necessary to evaluate that path in different life stages critically. Fewer are equipped with the capacity to make changes when needed.

Instead, many of us drift, seeking validation from external sources that we are OK, seldom taking time to explore our personal needs and desires. Sometimes, we become so overly reliant on those external judgements and expectations we lose touch with our values and dreams. The fire in our belly feels non-existent and, in its place, an empty hearth.

Create the groundwork for a healthy fire to rage again within you. This may involve reflecting on your childhood and considering whether there are passions in your life that didn’t get to flourish. For many people, this will be an aspect of creativity or social justice. Ask yourself what activities or experiences used to light you up from within. Allow yourself to explore in a meaningful way what brings you joy.

Ironically, joy is one of the hardest emotions for us to tolerate. We no sooner experience it and are waiting for the source of the joy to disappear and we protect ourselves from that pain. Practice taking time to feel joy. Allow yourself those extra moments when something joyous happens for the feeling to truly land and soak it up. This will require practice to identify joy when you experience it readily.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

You may find it helpful to name your core values. You may discover that the values driving your daily rituals are in fact outdated and your life is not aligned with your current values. There is a very helpful values audit sheet on Brene Brown’s website. I encourage my clients to consider their top ten values and then identify their top three. When you make your values explicit, you are in a better position to recognise when you’re living those values and when you are not.

Journalling can be a valuable way to engage in this level of self-reflection. You may benefit from the support of a registered therapist who can help you untangle yourself from societal expectations to make space for the evolution of your own playbook. A therapist can hold this space for you and will scaffold it when the demands pulling you back to maintain the status quo kick in.

As you embark on this journey of self-discovery, it will possibly result in a shift in your relationships, which can deepen when you show up fully as yourself. This requires a level of vulnerability as you strip away some of the veneer lacquered on over the course of your life. Having a therapist to talk through the ripple effect of your self-exploration will help you to make sense of the experience and determine how to respond to loved ones and colleagues.

Without this space, it is natural to want to escape when we feel trapped. Of course, going to Spain is an artificial and temporary solution to this sense of unmet needs. The real journey may require some excavation and re-evaluation of aspects of your life. A therapist can be a worthy ally in this difficult terrain. Perhaps elements of the fantasy resonate with your deeper needs and values.

Along with exploring or mapping your emotional world, I suggest you consider connecting with your GP to assess whether perimenopause or menopause may also be a factor.

Whatever the underlying cause or causes, it’s essential to approach this process with curiosity, compassion and self-compassion. Identifying and addressing the sources of your unhappiness doesn’t mean disregarding or devaluing your achievements. Rather, it’s about seeking a deeper understanding of yourself at this point in your life, giving oxygen to the fledgling fire and giving yourself permission to burn brightly in your world.

Take care.