Talk To Me: Was splitting up the right decision to make? 

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.’

These words from T S Eliot’s ‘Little Gidding’ came to mind as I read your letter. The question I am left with is: do you want to rekindle your relationship because you have a deeper appreciation for the connection, or because of a need for intimacy? Of course, these are not mutually exclusive.

You have shared history, rituals, and an understanding of how you relate to one another. With the shared focus, you work closely together, learning to compromise in your child’s interest. Achieving this is commendable. You have been on a journey. You are not the same people who married, and you are not the same people who separated. Does that mean a romantic relationship might work now or does this mean that you work well as a team?

Take time to acknowledge how the relationship works well. In your reflections, try to be as specific as possible, so rather than saying, ‘He’s a great dad’, you might say, ‘I like how he backs me up in difficult conversations with our childcare provider,’ or, ‘I like how he makes me dinner when I’ve been stuck late at work.’

Consider whether the aspects of the relationship that are working relate solely to your shared love of your child or if there is some deeper intimate connection between the two of you.

Our relationships do not stay fixed; they are living systems cycling through various iterations. You may have hit a roadblock four years ago and assumed it was insurmountable. Or perhaps the bitterness eating at the edges of the marriage came from numerous hurtful experiences. Talk to a registered therapist who can tease out what the separation meant.

You may also benefit from talking to your friends and family, who know your separation story. While you don’t want to dredge up old pain, these talks may shine a light on where your deep (and human) need for intimacy may be clouding your judgement. Ask them to share their stories; this will help you to remember you are not alone and you can benefit from their insights.

It is natural to doubt after a significant life change, like a separation, especially if things appear to be going well. Wondering if you have made the right decision is understandable, particularly when you haven’t met someone. While his experience may have similarities to yours, don’t assume your experiences have been the same. Each person’s path after a separation is unique. Before you talk with your former husband about reuniting, start with what you want and need.

Use this time with a therapist to explore what qualities, values, and connections you wish to enjoy. It may surprise you to discover that the therapist is likely to focus on you reconnecting with yourself. So often, with busy lives and motherhood and juggling co-parenting, we lose our sense of ourselves as unique and distinct entities.

Take the learning from this relationship and your previous relationship to get clear about what kinds of romantic partnerships bring out the best in you.

Consider the types of activities that are important to you within a relationship and the degree to which you value connection and autonomy.

Do the things you love to do and you are more likely to find like-minded people in those spaces. If you take the time to get clear about what you love or are driven by, then this is a worthy investment of your limited financial resources.

Reflect and consider what excites you about dating, visualise what it might be like to date someone new, the frisson, the getting-to-know each other’s desires and needs. It may take some courage to move into the dating space in a more meaningful way, to reveal yourself and your passions to someone who shares those thoughts, making it seem easier and more convenient to return to what is familiar.

Of course, familiar does not need to be stale. If you choose to talk with your ex-husband, bring your new awareness to bear on the discussion. Be clear about your needs and desires and listen to his. Our life journey is rarely a perfect circle; we need to take a few meandering turns to deepen our understanding of ourselves. Be patient and focus on creating a life that brings you joy and fulfilment.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie