Talk To Me: I met a man after my husband died but we only meet every second weekend 

I'd hoped we might become partners but he soon got into a routine where we meet every second weekend. When I gently asked him if he thinks we have a future together, he said of course but doesn't want to miss out on local friends and hobbies. What should I do?

Firstly, I would like to acknowledge the loss of your husband. This is significant and I am glad you took the time you needed to become acquainted with grief and find a way of living with his physical absence. 

Each person comes to relationships with their own treasure chest of life experiences, needs and expectations. Within relationships, there is a tension between needing to feel connected while also having autonomy. There is a sweet spot for some -  enough routine to give a sense of connection, but without a commitment. I wonder if this is true for your partner. This gives him a sense of stability but leaves you feeling like you’re being short-changed.

At the beginning of a relationship, a certain amount of ambiguity can add to the frisson when the sense of anticipation is associated with the potential of good times. However, there is a tipping point when we begin to worry about the other shoe falling, and the anticipation shifts to fear of loss or rejection. It can be a quick journey from point A to point B, and our behaviours can quickly shift to protection, girding ourselves for pain. Being on guard like this takes its toll, so having an open and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns is crucial.

A conversation that establishes the expectations and boundaries of the relationship is an important step towards creating a shared understanding of the reality of your friendship. Be truthful and clear about your own thoughts. By taking the risk to be vulnerable, you are paradoxically creating safety for him to open up and share his worries and fears. Taking such a risk with each other requires a level of intimacy. You may learn that his life experience has taught him that commitment comes with high demands, the sacrifice of friends and ultimately rejection. It may become abundantly clear what is driving his hesitation.

Dating is one of those realms where gender still directs much of the activity. Women are often expected to wait for men to take the lead and set the pace of the relationship. This convention may make it more difficult for you to ask for your needs to be met. Take some time to consider what level of commitment and companionship you desire. If you are feeling uncertain, talk to your friends. Clarity should help you speak from a place of assertiveness rather than insecurity about whether he will be open to deepening the relationship.

Initiating the conversation may activate a sense of fear within you, reflecting some unfinished business around your self-confidence. If this is true, you might consider engaging with a registered therapist to help you address any unhelpful thinking patterns or heal old relational wounds.

Ultimately, it’s essential to have a balance between individuality and togetherness in a relationship. Finding a mutual understanding and creating a shared vision for the future is the intimate work of a relationship. If, after open communication, you discover that your needs and desires are not aligning, it might be worth exploring other options. Having expectations of each other that can not be met will only lead to hurt and resentment.

Our lives can be easily interwoven when we are younger and in the hazy days of early romance. However, after a lifetime of moments, rituals, love and loss, it is more complicated. Some will prize their autonomy over commitment. 

Asking the question about your future may bring to the surface not only your needs, desires and fears but also stories about the past. Some of us would rather pretend those stories didn’t exist, opting instead to focus on the present. New relationships can create precious space where old stories don’t taint every interaction, so your partner’s hesitation is perhaps understandable.

Appreciating his position helps you to respond from a place of empathy but this does not mean your desires get drowned out. You may want to create a new life story while he is offering you a love story. Perhaps this is enough for now. Maybe some fun is not without merit. Trust your instincts, this might be an enjoyable prelude to a relationship with someone else who can offer you want you truly desire and deserve. 

Enjoy the journey - there’s bravery to be discovered in loss.

Take care.

If you'd like to send Caroline a question, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie