Talk to Me: I'm finding it difficult to work following a miscarriage
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My condolences on your loss. In many respects, the grief we experience after a miscarriage is like any other grief, yet it is also different. The statistics tell us that a significant percentage of women who experience miscarriage can develop symptoms akin to depression and anxiety. However, we must be careful not to attribute the symptoms to the miscarriage. New Zealand Minister Ginny Andersen rightly says, “The grief that comes with miscarriage is not a sickness. It is a loss.”
When a parent, a sibling or a friend dies, we are often warmly supported by our network of family, friends and colleagues. But when we lose a baby during pregnancy, we are often left facing our loss with a much smaller support group or none at all. For many of us, the silent withdrawal of connection causes hopelessness, loneliness and dread. As a species, we do not do well when we feel isolated or our sense of belonging is ruptured. It is no wonder so many women struggle if there is a deafening silence when we go from carrying life to emptiness.
People around us may feel deeply uncomfortable when faced with the pain of our loss. Their discomfort may prohibit them from providing the kind of support we need. he taboo around death can be even more pronounced at work and there may be a culture of avoiding conversations about or even acknowledging death. Loss through miscarriage carries an additional stigma. You may have chosen to share the news of your pregnancy with a few people, so you may benefit from working with a registered therapist. Within a therapeutic relationship, you will be able to reflect on the significance of this loss and the impact of societal expectations.
There are some excellent online support groups that you can connect with. It can be very reassuring to link with others who are experiencing or have experienced a similar loss. Often, through our engagement with such groups, we learn the language to describe what is happening, and finding the right words can help us to move on from feeling overwhelmed. Groups like A Little Lifetime and AnamCara offer support and guidance through their websites and social media pages.
I am struck by your use of the word ‘just’. It seems to imply that your grief is disproportionate. Our experience of grief is individual and each person’s grief is valid. Our love for our babies often begins long before they are born. We grieve not only the life that was inside us but also the life we assumed we would have with this baby, child, teenager, young adult … The belief that your grief should correlate with the length of the pregnancy ignores the fact that you lost your baby, a whole person.
It is heartening that in 2021, under Prime Minister Ardern’s leadership, New Zealand introduced legislation for three days of bereavement leave for working mothers and their partners following a miscarriage. Acknowledging the impact of miscarriage within legislature sets a societal tone and battles the stigma many in Ireland still face when coping with miscarriage. While we have some catching up to do at the political level, many companies are compassionate and have a leave policy that recognises the grief associated with miscarriage. I would encourage you to enquire in your place of work if such an allowance exists. Of course, the only option for many women is to use sick leave entitlements.
As a working woman, you may feel pressure to 'keep calm and carry on' despite the emotional toll of your miscarriage. It's crucial to prioritise your wellbeing. If you can take some time off, use the time to focus on self-care and healing. You may find activities such as yoga, mindfulness, meditation and swimming that allow you to connect gently with your body helpful. Use this time to spend time with loved ones, accept their offers of help and enjoy their company. Try to get out into nature - connecting with your environment can be very soothing.
If you cannot take time off work, take breaks during the day. Step away from your work and go for a walk. During the walk, you can practice some mindful breathing or mindful walking. There are several guided examples on the various music platforms.
Whether you can take time off or not, you will be a much better team member if you feel strong physically and psychologically. Your workplace can become a restorative space if your colleagues and managers can recognise and be there for you in your grief. Your wellbeing contributes to the collective health of the team.
Healing from a loss takes time and is different for each of us. It is OK to ask for help. Acknowledging your loss is an important first step. It is essential to be patient and exercise self-compassion.
Take care.
- If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie