Talk To Me: I'm dreading meeting relatives at a wedding 

As a species we have an innate need to be accepted and feel we belong, so it’s completely normal to fear rejection. As neuroanatomist, Dr Jill Bolte reminds us: “Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel ... we are actually feeling creatures that think.”

We typically overestimate people’s ability to know how we feel. And even though you may understand this rationally, you might still fear they will see how self-conscious or anxious you are. But not only are other people not great at reading you, they are likely not observing you to the extent you assume.

It is helpful to do some thought checking — just because you think it, doesn’t make it true. We tend to place great stock on our thoughts, often not taking time to think more critically. Remind yourself of past situations where you successfully handled social events, and reflect on your abilities and qualities that can help you confidently navigate the upcoming event.

We can place disproportionate attention on moments when we fail to match our own expectations, often dismissing as insignificant the times we were good enough.

I understand you are conscious of your weight gain, but this doesn’t mean anyone else will notice. People are often more focused on their own concerns and may not be as critical of us as we imagine.

It can be hard to disregard our thoughts, so ask, “What else might be true, or what else could I say to myself about this situation?”.

If this is difficult for you, put yourself in a friend’s shoes and consider what that person would say to you.

This technique prompts our brains to be more creative and shifts us from problematic thinking.

Self-acceptance is central to our capacity to manage self-criticism.

We are culturally programmed to hone in on our so-called ‘deficits’, so it takes persistence and practice to unlearn self-deprecating behaviours.

Negative thinking can make us feel as though we are under attack, and our bodies will react by moving into fight or flight response mode.

It makes sense that you would want to avoid the wedding. This is a visceral response and insight doesn’t initially play a role, so simply trying to reason with yourself may be redundant. It can be much more helpful to respond with some breathing practices, which can help reduce your stress levels.

When you are calm, you can be fully present, consider context, and think more clearly. You can, in essence, be the best version of yourself.

One of the best ways to break free from unhealthy habits is to form new behaviour patterns. Use the time between now and the wedding to practice engaging in light conversation. Make a point of exchanging pleasantries with shop assistants, smile at people as you go about your day, and notice how people respond to your kindnesses.

These little moments of mastery will gradually increase your self-confidence.

Observe how your body responds to these moments, we tend to feel lighter when we experience success. Notice how your body moves. Appreciate how it has helped you weather all sorts of life experiences, including the pandemic.

On the day of the wedding, start with an activity you know you will enjoy: a pampering ritual; listening to your favourite upbeat playlist; meeting a friend for a walk. The idea is to engage in activities to help you relax, feel good and connected.

Between now and the big day, consider the spirit of the invitation and the message it conveys. Since the pandemic, people have a greater sense of bringing people together. The couple wants you to be there for this significant life event, and the family will appreciate your presence. Take time to consider the value you place on family.

Think about the joy of celebrating with them, reconnecting with distant relatives, and the memories you can create on the day.

Avoiding the wedding will likely only offer temporary relief and ultimately feed insecurities and anxiety. It seems like an ideal opportunity to gain a sense of empowerment. By practising self-compassion, using positive self-talk and experiencing small successes, you can step out of your comfort zone and learn how deeply connected and accepted you can be. Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please email it to feelgood@examiner.ie