Holidays On To Me Doesn't Me: Want To With Go Talk He

Talk To Me: He doesn't want to go on holidays with me — Pic: Istock

Fri, 07 Apr, 2023 - 02:00

Caroline Martin

I met a wonderful man about eight months ago. He's funny, intelligent and affectionate. We're both in our 60s, divorced with grown children, so nothing is holding us back.

We used to text each other daily and go on dates weekly. But recently, when I suggested we go on a short holiday together, he said he'd prefer to keep things as they are. I've no intention of changing his mind but I'm embarrassed and hurt. The daily texts have stopped and he now only replies if I text him. Is this the long goodbye?

It's understandable you are feeling embarrassed and hurt. You took a risk and the result was not what you had hoped. I wonder if this man is also somewhat embarrassed, maybe even feeling a sense of shame. When we experience shame, we can withdraw, shrinking our world so that we cannot be seen.

The dynamic of your relationship has shifted. When this happens, it is wise to approach the situation with curiosity and empathy rather than rushing to assumptions. When we are uncertain, our discomfort can propel us into making hypotheses before we have enough information. Acknowledging your discomfort and considering what fears are being unearthed is important.

You both have your own experiences of being in committed relationships. While you share being divorcees, the journey you both took to that point will be different. Our behaviours and responses to situations can be based on past experiences rather than contemporary reality. We are not always aware of why we respond in particular ways, which can create internal confusion, so we pull away from others lest they see our vulnerability.

This is particularly striking when we consider that while everyone may want to experience love, the reality in the US is that there is a 50% divorce rate after a first marriage and a 65% divorce rate after a second marriage.

Before inviting a non-judgemental and nonconfrontational conversation, be sure to take some time to regain your confidence. Practising self-compassion is essential to maintain resiliency and avoiding getting stuck in negative thoughts and tricky emotions. Navigating relationship difficulties can be challenging especially if they activate feelings of rejection and self-doubt. Be tender with yourself and consider what actions are likely to be healing. Accessing the support of friends and family may be helpful and may be key to clarifying your boundaries.

When you are ready to have a conversation with your partner, seek to understand his perspective and put yourself in his shoes to better identify how you can support him. This conversation should also be safe enough to express your needs and feelings. We often create safety, paradoxically by taking a risk.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Having done the preliminary work you may be able to open the conversation from a place of your vulnerability, stating that you feel hurt and uncertain about where the relationship is heading. You can then ask if he is feeling overwhelmed or stressed in any way or if something else is going on in his life that is causing him to pull away, such as financial concerns or family dynamics. By acknowledging the broader context, you can avoid making assumptions and assuming or placing blame for the changes in the relationship.

Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, expressing gratitude for the experiences you have shared and highlighting the qualities you appreciate in your partner. This may help to create a positive emotional climate and encourage him to open up about his feelings and expectations.

It will be essential to practice active listening to ascertain if your expectations of the relationship are realistic and aligned with your partner’s expectations. This will require you to listen to his reasons for not wanting to go on the holiday and to his perspective on the current state of the relationship without jumping to conclusions. Paraphrasing what he has said offers him an opportunity to clarify his thinking. Be open-minded. When we make assumptions, we search for evidence that supports our assumptions and can miss out on a lot of other information.

If you discover you have different expectations, it is critical to communicate that and negotiate a way forward that works for you both.

Space and autonomy are core to a successful relationship. Giving space and respecting boundaries can help to strengthen the relationship in the long run. Relationships are constantly evolving and it is vital to be open to change. If your partner is not interested in taking the relationship to the next level, it may be time to reassess your expectations and desires.

If you both decide to nurture the relationship, focus on the present, enjoy your time together and appreciate the things you love about each other.

Every relationship is unique. By being honest with yourself and each other about your feelings and needs, you will be better able to work together to find the path forward that serves you both. While it is impossible to predict the outcome of any relationship, by staying present and curious, you can navigate this situation with grace and compassion.

Take care.