Talk To Me: I'm worried my boyfriend and his ex-wife will get back together

These solutions are not the reserve of celebrities and more families are attempting to maintain healthy amicable friendships post-divorce. The idea of ‘conscious uncoupling’ was coined by psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas in 2009, who suggests that even good marriages can have a lifespan and may end when they no longer help the individuals to grow. 

Conscious uncoupling is a process acknowledging the positive epoch of the relationship while recognising it has run its course.

Birdnesting has been around since the 70s, and I suspect we will see a rise in it in the coming years, as our housing situation is at such a critical level. Many divorced couples are not in a position to finance two-family homes.

When a couple is birdnesting, the children stay in the family home rather than moving from one parent’s home to the other. The parents move in and out of the family home, often alternating, like your partner, with a small apartment. This prioritises the stability of the children’s environment, allowing them to stay in their neighbourhood and school. It is not a long-term solution but allows for adjustment while long-term arrangements are worked out.

While much of the writing centres around the importance of the children’s mental health and the healing nature of an amicable breakup, introducing a new partner is complex. Understandably, you have concerns about your partner and his ex-wife’s set-up, especially if they are spending a lot of time together.

Families are interconnected and the behaviour of one family member is affected by another. If you choose to stay with this man, you will be part of this dynamic. Your relationship will be influenced by the parenting responsibilities he shares with his ex. Their children’s wellbeing will be affected by the degree to which they can successfully collaborate on their behalf. The arrangement may reflect their commitment to co-parenting their children in a healthy way. Acknowledging and respecting the role his ex-wife plays in his life as the mother of his children shows support for his role as a father.

Your partner’s relationship with his ex-wife does not define your relationship with him. You are building your own unique relationship and it is important to have shared experiences for just the two of you. Focus on building your connection and building trust. Let him know how you feel about his relationship with his ex; while you support their co-parenting, their closeness can create insecurity. By communicating your concerns clearly, you create the context for working together to find ways to reassure each other and forge a deeper connection.

Building your own life and pursuing your interests outside the relationship is also essential. When we are actively engaged in activities that are aligned with our values, we feel more confident. Having these interests will offer you something to focus on when feeling anxious.

Relationships are complex and even more so when ex-spouses and children are involved. Recognising that your partner’s relationship with his ex-wife is shaped by their shared history and experiences, you can approach the situation with curiosity and empathy.

It may be helpful to consider any underlying stress or ghosts from previous relationships causing you to worry about your current relationship. Your concerns about your partner’s relationship with his ex may be rooted in past experiences of betrayal. If this is the case, you might choose to engage the support of a registered therapist who can help you process and work through these feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

By creating space for understanding and trust, you and your partner can work together to navigate the challenges that will inevitably arise, building a healthy, respectful relationship.

We tend to focus on negatives in our lives, not paying enough attention or celebrating the positives. Take time to notice the positive aspects of your relationship with your partner, the moments of joy and connection you share. Cultivate gratitude for your time together rather than focusing on the time apart. Appreciate his demonstration of support and care for his family.

His ability to maintain a good co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife strongly indicates their maturity and commitment to their family. Your partner is open about this arrangement, which shows a willingness to be transparent with you.

This situation is not forever.

As children get older, their needs change and co-parenting arrangements change accordingly. Building a relationship on open communication now will ease those conversations later.

Understanding that your partner has children and an ex-wife, who are part of the interconnected family, will help you not to fall foul of the illusion that your partner is yours.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie