Monthly Me: Want Talk My Mother's Stop I To To Visits

Talk To Me: I want to stop my mother's monthly visits — Psychologist Martin, Caroline Photograph Nolan Moya

Fri, 10 Mar, 2023 - 17:55

Psychologist Caroline Martin

I’ve had a complicated relationship with my mother since childhood. I’m now married with two young children and dread whenever she comes to visit. She has little interest in her grandchildren and even less in me. Yet she nearly always says something cutting — usually a comment on my appearance. I want to stop the monthly visits, but I love my dad dearly and would hate to upset him. What can I do?

The shelves are awash with Mother’s Day cards evoking Disney-like bonds between children and their mammies. It can be confronting as an adult when you recognise that the relationship with your mum is very different to the saccharine wording on the cards at your local shop.

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. Your experiences with your mother have been challenging and may have taken a toll on your wellbeing. I think considering some parameters around her visits is wise. When we have healthy boundaries, it’s easier to respond calmly and in ways that are in keeping with our own values.

You may choose to limit her visits, curtailing the time she spends in the house or decide that some topics are off-limits. Setting these new boundaries will require honest exchanges. Be clear when her comments are hurtful and redirect the conversation to a more innocuous topic. If she routinely sees fit to comment on your appearance you might be wise to have a practised line ready.

A response that does not fuel the discord but instead is conducive to a healthy exchange might go, “I hear your concern, but I am comfortable with my appearance and I would prefer if we could take this time to bring you up to date on the children’s activities and achievements.” Consider enlisting the support of your spouse and father (if he is amenable).

It may feel awkward at first, as you are trying to change a pattern of behaviour long in the making. Sticking with the familiar pattern can be seductive, even if it is unhealthy. Shifting a family dynamic is hard work and, while recognising the need to do so is an important step, you may need the support of a registered therapist. Your mother’s behaviour is not something you can control but your response to it is.

Use the time with your friends or therapist to identify your strengths and resources. Accessing strengths such as resilience and courage readily will help you cope with negative comments. Your childhood friends may be familiar with your family dynamics and have novel and healthy ideas to help you manage the situation by drawing on your strengths.

Take time to build your skills of emotional self-regulation. There are often a number of signs that we are getting anxious or frustrated and if recognised early we can employ a range of strategies that ensure we don’t become overwhelmed by the emotion. Having a repertoire of positive coping mechanisms can help mitigate the impact of unkind behaviour.

We can be inclined to spend a disproportionate amount of time thinking and ruminating on unhealthy relationships. This creates an imbalance and we can feel, wrongly that the unhealthy relationship is weightier. Deliberately attending to the healthy connection with your father, may remind you of just how influential his encouraging presence has been in your life. Take time with him to notice the positive moments and recall the joyful memories. This will help you to gain a balanced perspective and enhance your overall wellbeing.

It could be helpful to talk to your father about the difficulties you are experiencing with your mother. He may have an insight into what fears lie beneath her behaviour. Understanding that her own struggles may drive her interactions with you and your children may help you approach the visits with empathy and compassion while setting boundaries that protect you and your family.

Mindfulness is often helpful as it prompts us to stay in the present moment. During the practice, you may become more aware of your thoughts and physical reaction to your mum’s comments or communication patterns. By bringing your responses to the forefront of your awareness, you can be curious about them without judgement. Once you become curious you can begin to consider a greater range of responses, including ones aligned with your values and wellbeing.

Decisions driven by your values rather than your fears will provide the context for new communication patterns. The journey may not be smooth, and you may conclude that your and your family’s wellbeing is compromised too much. In which case, be sure to acknowledge the grief of this loss. You may discover that grief gives way to new possibilities. Like Moira Rose in Schitt’s Creek, who despite her unapologetic resistance to traditional demonstrations of motherhood, your mum too, may become her daughter’s greatest champion.

Take care.