Talk To Me: My adult son has reverted to being a teenager since moving back home 

Your son still needs some clear guidance as he works to achieve his goal - his own home. This is an important opportunity to learn and it is crucial that we, as parents don’t get in the way.

Back under the same roof, it is so easy for the whole household to regress, for parents to resume looking after their children and for adult children to behave more child-like. If your son has been out of the house for a period of time, it might have been rather tempting to treat him like the prodigal son. He is not alone, and many of his peers will find themselves in similar situations, hence the term ‘boomerang children’. But the majority of this cohort takes on additional and adult responsibilities when they return home.

In a 2011 study completed by Pew Research Center, researchers found that 96% of ‘boomerang children’ did chores, while 75% of them helped with household expenses.

The need for a tough conversation with your son about common courtesies is likely to intensify as time goes on.

Taking time to identify which values are being compromised by your son’s behaviour will help inform how you approach the situation. You could start the conversation with a focus on a shared goal - his financial independence - and why moving back into the family home is a necessary step.

It is important to be clear about what success might look like to you both. Is it only going to be measured against the balance in his bank account, regardless of collateral damage at home? Measures of success should also include the maintenance or even the enhancement of family relationships.

You may have other, unspoken expectations. For example, you may expect your son will compensate you in the future for this kindness, or that he will open his home to his siblings or extended family should the need arise. Take some time to think about this on a personal level and then talk with your spouse as he may have his own set of expectations. Perhaps his value system drives an expectation that your son will learn from this experience and will subsequently not return to the family home, should he find himself in stormy financial seas in the future. He may have a time limit in mind, that may or may not be linked to a specific financial target. If that time limit needs to be renegotiated, is there an expectation that bills will be shared or taken over by your son so that real-world responsibilities are taken on?

Making goals explicit sets the context for the steps needed to achieve those goals. This part of the conversation might go something like:‘We have agreed that you will stay here so that you can save money to get mortgage approval, so let’s talk about how we are going to live as adults together.’ Now the request for cleanliness and respect for shared spaces is connected to the shared agreed goals rather than a replication of any old parent-child dialogue.

It is wise to identify any potential problems. The idea is not to cover every eventuality, but rather raise the awareness that a range of obstacles may arise. Having this conversation when things are calm, will help you to identify and agree the steps you will all take to get back on track. When we are calm, we can be creative in our solutions. However, when we are stressed about our relationships and living space, we tend to be more rigid in our thinking.

Circumstances change, needs alter and in time the plan may no longer be fit for purpose, so it is important to create a timeline in which to review this plan. This provides a safety net for all of you.

While the situation may not have been what any of you had envisaged when your son first moved out, having shared space with our adult children can reveal new depths of closeness and support. Deepening our family ties and strengthening these networks will serve the current and future generations.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie