Talk To Me: My friend only calls me when there's a crisis 

When we are young, the transactions of friendship can be relatively simple and transparent: trading Match Attax cards or dresses for discos. As we age, these transactions become more amorphous, including giving time to listen to friends in crisis, organising get-togethers, sharing worries and fears, and honouring trust.

Unlike a game of tennis, your friend doesn’t always return what you served. Over the course of a healthy friendship, it should all balance out, though there may be periods when you feel you are carrying the load disproportionately.

Adult friendships require a healthy dose of forgiveness and compassion. Life has a cruel way of playing havoc with our lives, throwing difficult events and demands in our path. 

Despite best efforts, we may become unaware of the pressure in each other’s lives. Sometimes these demands are all-consuming, leaving us isolated and disconnected from friends.

Your friend might be oblivious to the stresses in your life, assuming you would reach out to her if things were difficult for you. 

Perhaps her calls are her attempts to connect with you, albeit clumsy. I wonder what it would be like to initiate a call to her and ask for her guidance. 

Within groups, we often fall into particular roles, which can be difficult to shed. Do you usually lean on another person in the group? What would it be like to ask this friend for support for a change?

As the two of you are part of a larger friend group, I am wondering about how she interacts with others and how others interact with you.

When we are in groups, we often divvy up different roles, for example, someone might be the encourager, another the organiser and someone else the help seeker. We tend to help each other maintain these roles subconsciously. 

Altruism is one of the compelling factors of being part of a group. Being the person the group goes to in times of crisis is also a position of power.

Leaving things as they are will only lead to resentment, a poison only you drink.

While a conversation may seem like an obvious starting point, it may be wise to tread carefully. 

Taking a step back and reflecting on the journey you both have taken to this point may shine a light on some blind spots. 

Perhaps ask a mutual friend for their objective perspective?

Try and reach a point of curiosity rather than judgment before inviting the conversation.

It is always wise to flag this conversation ahead of time, no one likes to be blindsided and your friend might feel under attack if not forewarned. 

You could invite a conversation with, “I was wondering if we could chat about how we support one another. I would like to hear your thoughts on this and share some of mine”.

What your friend has to say may reveal that you have both made some faulty assumptions, and it will be important you are genuinely open to hearing them. 

Your friend’s feedback will guide your response.

Some of us have excellent help-seeking skills, but seeking help is not something that comes easily for many of us. 

We often avoid asking for help as this was not encouraged or worse was punished when we were younger. 

Some people are quick to respond to requests for assistance, jumping in their car and rocking up in your kitchen with various comforting vices. Others will wait for an invitation, believing that space and solitude should be respected. 

Don’t assume your friend knows what you need.

If the conversation doesn’t jumpstart a change in your relationship, there is no harm in stating unambiguously that you don’t have the bandwidth for her struggles. 

This might go something like, “I hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment and you are looking to connect. I’m sorry, I can’t be that person for you right now. Could you contact another friend and talk it through with them?”

Like a kaleidoscope, even gentle shifts within group friendships reveal new patterns. These might be rejuvenating or they may confirm that this friendship is unhealthy.

While our friendships require emotional maintenance, some may be taking too much of an emotional toll. We need to enjoy friendships that are mutually nourishing and fulfilling.

A critical part of a kaleidoscope is the mirrors, and sometimes our friends reflect parts of ourselves we are uncomfortable with. As you twist the dial, try to have an abundance of compassion for yourself and your friend.

Take care.

• Email questions for Caroline to feelgood@examiner.ie