Talk To Me: I'm dreading my in-laws visiting over Christmas 

Take heed of your body’s need to rest and exercise too. Try to maintain your sleep and exercise routine as this will help you to keep a sense of balance while they are in your house. 

While having family staying for a few days can be stressful for you and your husband, the stress is not equal. Research completed by scientists in the Netherlands (reported in the Human Microbiome Journal, see exa.mn/in-laws-stress) in 2019, indicated that a visit to the in-laws for Christmas dinner is more likely to be stressful than visiting your own family. Talk to your husband - be clear about the toll this takes on you and come up with a strategy together. Have a code word you can use when you need him to step in on your behalf. He’s not necessarily going to experience their comments the same way as you are, so it is unrealistic to expect that he will know when you feel judged. Knowing he has your back will go a long way in your ability to cope.

Focus on the temporary nature of the arrangement – this too shall pass. Try to avoid scheduling other things at the same time as you will resent the situation all the more if you have to cancel. With additional people to consider, the likelihood of things not going to plan increases.

Determine your space in terms of time and physical space. You do not need to spend all your time with them. Perhaps your husband takes care of the breakfast shift. Agree with your husband about where your protected physical space will be, where you can read a book or watch some telly without feeling guilty. And this should not have to be the bathroom.

If your home has the space, give your in-laws their own bedroom, where they can have their own space. They will likely also appreciate the recognition of their need to decompress. Indeed, if this is an annual occurrence, you might suggest a local hotel or comfy B&B for future Christmases. Your children will only get bigger, and space will become a premium.

While your in-laws are staying with you, it might be helpful to have visitors swing by to offer some distraction. Introducing some diversity can broaden the conversation and reduce the intensity. You might get a kick from watching your friends or siblings interact with your in-laws. This can offer you a new lens and perhaps some fun. These positive social interactions can help restore your internal equilibrium, allowing you to digest, in smaller doses, their suggestions.

Part of your discomfort may be the subtle power struggle - they have age and a longer relationship with your husband compared to you. It can be helpful to remember that it is your home they are visiting. This allows you to take a particular stance on conversations. Remind them politely that, as guests, they can leave their parent hat at the door with their coats.

Pick your battles. With young children in the house and a busy kitchen, there are ample excuses to walk away. Keeping a cool, collected head will help you to circumvent tricky topics. If finances and child behaviour are hot topics, don’t draw attention to them. Decide ahead of time what areas of common interest you will bring up should the conversation be heading in a particular direction. It is harder to think clearly when we are flustered or upset.

If you find yourself getting upset, allow some quiet time to restore yourself to a sense of calm. You will not magically become calm by willing it to be so. Have your calming ‘battle box’ ready to use - this may include a favourite scented candle or hand cream, a particular playlist, a cosy blanket or a trusted friend at the end of the phone. Keeping a very cold bottle of water in the fridge to sip on in these moments may also help.

Remember, your parents-in-law will leave, you will have your home back to yourself and the focus will return to the more mundane. You might just miss them - a little. 

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie