Talk To Me: I've been told I can have it all, but I'm missing my baby's milestones while at work

While humans are intuitively driven to achieve our best, we know that gender stereotypes within our society place an additional burden on working mothers. We expect men to demonstrate agency and be proactive and women to be caring and responsive. Men and women can fall into the trap of evaluating themselves against these stereotypes and consequently feel guilt.

Though the number of males and females in the workforce is almost equal, there remains a strong bias that views women as the primary carers. 

The gender pay gap contributes to the implicit stereotype that women should prioritise their mothering duties. Covid-19 also had an unequal effect on mothers. 

However, we know that guilt arises from our internalised beliefs, influenced by what we see in our environments. While we know that men and women are equal, we need to experience this before we can shed the weight of these outdated stereotypes. This lived equality is the gift you give your daughter.

A key piece of information you share is that you enjoy your job. We have greater resiliency when we have a sense of efficacy, a belief that we can accomplish tasks, and a sense of belonging. Enjoying your job is likely contributing to your wellbeing, which allows you to be more present for your daughter when you are with her.

Take time to consider the benchmarks you are setting yourself as a mother. You will be better served to let go of the guilt. Reflecting on the values you wish to impart to your child is more helpful. You can do a search online for a list of values (check out brenebrown.com). 

Aim to find a list that is quite comprehensive, with between 70-100+ values, as they are more likely to be more nuanced and this will help you drill down into what drives your internal compass. Try and narrow it down to five or seven core values and consider which, if any, are compromised by you being a mum and an employee.

If none of your core values is being compromised, enjoy your work, collect your bundle of happiness at the end of the day, and savour the bedtime snuggles and weekends of playfulness. 

These will be essential bonding moments when your daughter gains a sense of her secure base from which to explore her world.

If it emerges that one of your core values is being challenged, consider if this is a temporary situation - if so, a temporary solution might suffice. 

A key life skill, and one that is essential as a parent, is seeking help. While grandparents may be willing and able, other working parents may be all too happy to pool their resources. Indeed, some of my closest friends were those I met in the parking lot of the creche, where we figured out things together.

While the milestones of the first couple of years are undoubtedly critical, children make significant transitions during several points in their lives. 

These can be tricky to navigate, and having a mother who has successfully navigated her own path is a protective factor. Over the course of your child’s development, different values will guide decisions. You can hone in on when and how you want to be more present or amplify your voice.

Since Covid-19, we realise that work-life balance is a red herring and a more realistic aim is work-life harmony. Consider the harmony achieved by an orchestra, with different parts playing a more dominant role than others at different times. Like an orchestra, with many playing parts, you’re not going to get it right all the time.

As American actress Jami Gertz says, ‘Being a working mom is not easy. You have to be willing to screw up at every level.’

Our children do not need us to be perfect, in fact, it is important for us to be simply ‘good enough’.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to feelgood@examiner.ie