Talk To Me: My husband wants us to get back together now his affair is over
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You never saw it coming. So often, the sense of being blindsided rumbles us to our core - it speaks to our ability to trust our intuition. Even after closing the door on an unfaithful partner, we are often left to confront that sense of being let down by our own instincts. Your story has as much to do with rebuilding trust with yourself as it has to do with whether you can or cannot trust your husband.
You are at a crossroads. You have married, lost that marriage and rebuilt yourself. The question now is whether you want a new marriage with him. You cannot come through the trauma of that breakup unscathed. It is clear that you have also healed a lot over the past two years. You are undoubtedly a different version of your former self. If you choose to consider a new relationship with your partner, what would this ‘new you’ like from a new marriage?
While your husband may be clear about what he was seeking elsewhere, you too get to ask for more, to recognise those parts of the marriage that were not working for you and seek to rectify them within this new marriage.
Despite the question of whether the traditional marriage model fits our contemporary life and lifespan, there is shame when our marriages don’t survive. So often, people suffer quietly within marriages rather than facing the shame of ending a marriage. But society also deems fit to judge when we decide to reunite with an unfaithful partner. These judgements can reduce the relationship to a singular point - infidelity. The resulting shame can leave you more isolated than when your partner left. Such a simplistic perspective cannot acknowledge the fullness of the person you fell in love with, married and had children with.
Much as you would carefully navigate this space with your children and any new partner, take your time introducing this idea. Have moments when he can show up differently for you, demonstrating an awareness of his need to take responsibility for his actions, make reparations and be willing to create a new relationship. It may be helpful to engage the support of a couple’s therapist as many people in your family and friend circles may have strong opinions and vested interests in your decision.
Therapy can be a safe space to acknowledge any residual resentment and address defensiveness or communication patterns that are unhelpful. Within this space, you can also explore the reason for his infidelity. We often assume that people are unfaithful because they are dissatisfied with their marriage, but many people are unfaithful because they are unhappy with the person they have become. They are seeking to meet a different version of themselves. Whether this is true for your partner or whether you were both enduring a marriage that was not happy, it is important to take time to reflect together, understand and determine if the new relationship is something you are prepared to build together.
It is essential you have a space to process and understand your thoughts and feelings. Only you can make this decision - how your teenage children decide to respond is also their decision. They too may have unaddressed anger or sadness that may surface. Two years have passed, they are older and may be able to articulate some of these residual feelings more coherently. They may be deeply conflicted, feeling angry about the possibility of you reuniting with the person they have identified as the villain. Similarly, they may be delighted that their father will return, atone for his trespasses and erect the proverbial white picket fence.
Try to be curious with them, and allow them to express their emotional responses without judgement. These reactions are often tricky to handle alone, and it may be better if your children can express their feelings and thoughts within a therapeutic setting. Your two teenagers may have had very different experiences of the breakup of your marriage and now they may have very different responses to this new possibility.
You might be surprised at how you also respond. You may notice a newfound assurance of your agency. Perhaps this is the gift that poet Mary Oliver references when she wrote: "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." What parts of you do you want to be nourished in any new relationship, and what parts would you like to let go of as you make your next move?
Take care.
- If you have a question for Caroline, please email it to feelgood@examiner.ie