Richard Hogan: Adults bully too, here's how to stop it when it happens
For Are Seeing Powerful The They Are See Weak This Bully What Self Richard As Realise They You Powerless Not When Low With You Powerful, Hogan: They Stop Are, Esteem Insecure, Them
Over the last number of weeks, I have written about the experience of bullying. I offered advice for parents of children who are being bullied and what to do if your child is the bully. Working in schools, I see first-hand, the devastating impact bullying has on the mind of a developing child. When a child is targeted by others or subtly excluded it changes that internalised voice.
It becomes negative as they blame themselves for becoming targeted and their confidence is eroded. When this happens the child who was bullied can start to bully themselves with that negative voice. This, unfortunately, means the experience of bullying can last into adulthood, long after those tormentors have moved on with their lives. I have also met those who bully.
They are generally mimicking behaviours they have seen at home or they themselves have been bullied in the past and now want to ameliorate that experience by making someone feel what they felt. Bullying is one of the most unsettling and disturbing experiences we can go through as children.
But the reality is, it is not confined to childhood. Being bullied, as an adult, in work is an all too familiar experience for many people in the work force. The global pandemic came as a huge relief to many workers as they got a respite from those in the office who cause them distress. But now as we move back into the office a very real anxiety is setting in for those who have been targeted in their work by a boss or colleague. Unlike school, you can really feel like you have no one to help so the isolation is more unbearable.
Firstly, everyone has the right to work in an environment that is free from harassment of any kind. Every organisation has a bullying policy. The first thing I would do is read that policy, this will give you a protocol to follow. Employers have a duty by law to provide a safe and healthy work environment. Also, the approach to take obviously depends on the type of bullying you are subjected to and from whom.
If it is a colleague, it is vitally important that you show them that you will not tolerate that behaviour in silence. Abuse exists in those silent spaces, and bullies thrive in silence. So never give them that. Often it can be incredibly subtle. A joking comment here and a little put down comment there. This is designed for maximum impact without any recrimination. Because when you get upset or annoyed (which they want) they respond, ‘I was only joking, God, don’t be so sensitive. They think they have you. But, of course, they don’t.
Unless you play their game and allow them to position you into silence. Never play the bullies game. You are in a one-down position when you do that and you need to get into a one-up position.
So, the next time they say something loaded to put you down call them out on it, saying something like ‘what does that mean, can you explain the joke?’ This is a non-aggressive way of fighting back. With a response like this, you are telling them that you are no longer willing to tolerate their little jibes in silence. It can surprise them and make them think twice about saying things.
If you want to fight back with a little more bite, you could say, ‘you know when you say things like that you sound really insecure, jealous or weak’.
Telling a bully they are insecure is really striking for them. When they become annoyed and say something back, use their tactics against them, ‘I was only joking, God, you’re sensitive today’. As you walk away you are now in a one-up position. And you will have totally disoriented them. It is important that you are calm when you say something like this. Remaining calm when someone is trying to hurt you is difficult, but not impossible. Roleplay it with a partner or friend. Get used to speaking calmly. They want you to be excited and upset. Again, don’t give them what they want.
Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Bullies are insecure and can spot it in others. See the bully for what they are, insecure, weak with low self-esteem. When you realise this you stop seeing them as powerful. They are not powerful, they are powerless.
If your boss is the bully, document every incident and talk to HR about your experience. Chances are you are not the first person that he/she has targeted. Every employee has the right to a safe and healthy environment. When you speak up about your experience it can shut the bully down. Never sit in silence about being bullied, that is exactly what the bully desires.
Never play their game by their rules. When you take your power back you disempower them.