Sarah Harte: Men need to have the offside rule in gender politics explained to them

Hermoso said she was the “victim of aggression” and it made her feel “vulnerable”. Her teammates refused to play until Rubiales was given the red card.

The story has rolled quickly. On Monday night, the RFEF backtracked and demanded Rubiales’ immediate resignation due to “the unacceptable behaviours that have seriously damaged the image of Spanish football”.

It was a major contrast from last Friday where, at a press conference, Rubiales was given a Wolf of Wall Street standing ovation when he hit out at “false feminists” and said he wouldn’t resign. The RFEF also accused Hermoso of lying.

The U-turn has nothing to do with support for Hermoso, who has accused the RFEF of a “manipulative, hostile, and controlling culture”.

Fifa temporarily suspended Rubiales, opened disciplinary proceedings against him, and is pushing to ban him from football for 15 years. Is Fifa all about women’s rights? No. This has been a PR disaster for football.

These women have just won the 2023 Women's World Cup. Their images and their prowess make money for advertisers and sponsors, and generate ticket sales. This power gives them some agency. Power and agency are not something women have traditionally had in soccer.

Significantly, three of the Spanish football federation’s main commercial partners had distanced themselves from Rubiales’ actions.

Spain is also bidding to co-host the 2030 Fifa World Cup with Portugal, Morocco, and Ukraine. Realistically, if anything talks it will be money and not gender equality.

Spanish prosecutors are engaged in pre-trial investigations to see if there is enough evidence to take action against Rubiales for sexual assault or sexual harassment. He is entitled to due process.

Spanish soccer clubs including Sevilla and Cadiz publicly supported Hermoso, with Barcelona, Real Madrid, and other clubs issuing statements criticising Rubiales. However, regardless of the result of any investigation or trial, some men will continue to back Rubiales.

Readers' response

After writing last week on this subject, I received an unprecedented number of comments and messages, mainly from men, which were illuminating. 

The headline is that men and women still think differently about what constitutes sexual harassment and sexual assault. 

Initially, some men were highly amused by the kiss in the sense that they thought: “Wow you got that wrong, rather you than me, mate.” But as the controversy ramped up, and they saw which way the wind was blowing, the mirth was toned down.

One cohort felt Rubiales was just too overenthusiastic and we should move on. Another group felt the kiss was ‘inappropriate’ and he should be fired but failed to make the leap to the idea that his behaviour could be considered sexual harassment or at the lower end of sexual violence.

And a sizeable phalanx of men thought Rubiales was being persecuted.

Then there were the men of principle such as Spain head coach Jorge Vilda, who on Friday was clapping a defiant Rubiales but by Sunday had modified his response to say the kiss was “inappropriate and unacceptable”.

Rubiales claimed he was the real victim. This is the classic move of an aggressor who has been called out. It’s called DARVO — deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. He shifted the blame to Hermoso and said it was she who had grabbed his hips first and drew him into her. But let’s leave Rubiales to the Spanish prosecutors.

Sexual assault covers various acts performed without consent and can include forced kisses. And no, it’s not the death knell to spontaneity or romance, it’s about context and consent. 

Behaviour, including sexual behaviour, is on a continuum. It’s always about where you draw a line in the sand. Sexual assault happens without the explicit consent of the recipient. It can be kissing, it can be slapping or pinching bottoms, or showing somebody your genitalia without their consent.

Legally, whether a sexual assault is considered to take place comes down to several factors. For instance, whether the person giving the kiss intended to kiss the person while lacking a reasonable belief that the person being kissed consented, and whether the kiss could be deemed ‘sexual’ by any reasonable person. Naturally, that last element can be tricky to judge.

But a kiss that is not considered sexual assault can still be considered sexual harassment. I don’t know Spanish law but if this had occurred in Ireland, the person giving the kiss might be guilty of sexual harassment for turning the workplace into an uncomfortable environment.

What’s perhaps most interesting are the attitudes that underpin our beliefs about what flies, sexually. They dictate how we will behave, and what we will accept, what society silently considers acceptable.

We are conditioned to minimise male sexual harassment and male sexual violence. It’s proving very hard to shift the needle on this, even with young men.

Myths we are all prey to serve to shift the blame from where it belongs — with the perpetrator — to the victim. These myths are hard to dislodge. We grow up with them, they permeate our thinking without us even realising it because they are part of our exceptionally strong social and subcultural learning.

It’s why some men are angry at Hermoso, her teammates, and women in general for making a fuss. Unconsciously, they feel entitled. It was just a kiss. That’s just what men do. You’ve lost all perspective, women. Life used to be more fun. You could do more stuff and women weren’t so vocal...

Sorry, but those days are over. 

Women have changed in what we will accept, and men who hanker after some rose-tinted past that never existed must catch up.

This saga will continue to divide public opinion. Some will think the sanctioning of an unsolicited kiss is ‘wokeness’ gone mad. Others will think that it’s a shift towards a much-needed accountability.

The Spanish prosecutor’s office says Hermoso has 15 days to lodge a formal complaint. It’s an unenviable decision. Imagine the stress, particularly as Rubiales’ mother locked herself in a church in southern Spain and threatened a hunger strike at the “bloody hunt” of her son.

There will be an inevitable backlash. Hermoso and her teammates should have been basking in glory for their victory but found themselves in the middle of a firestorm. They are to be greatly admired for holding firm and taking one for the female ‘team’. They remind us that not all heroes wear capes.